Whither Chelsea Clinton's Marriage?

Chelsea Clinton's husband left his Wall Street job and went on a long ski trip. To many, quitting a corporate gig and going on an extended vacation is a dream come true! But headlines blare that the marriage is over.

The National Enquirer — along with sister publication, Star — seems to have broken this story. The Enquirer headline is fairly straightforward:
CHELSEA: MARRIAGE OVER!. (Star printed: "Chelsea Clinton: Trial Separation.")

But this possibly-blown-out-of-proportion story has spread far and wide, probably due to the convergence of three factors: 1. It concerns the daughter of a beloved, charismatic president. 2. It concerns a hedge-fund trader who is the son of two ex-congresspeople and whose dad was convicted of defrauding investors of millions and spent seven years in a federal prison. 3. It concerns skiing.

Thus, the headlines are alternately scandalous and downright weird:

  • Chelsea Clinton's Hubby Leaves Job to Become Ski Bum [Fox News]
    This item is accompanied by an image of a skiier falling, arms flailing wildly, leg on the verge of breaking. The article is filed under "culture," because for Fox, talking about people associated with Democrats is akin to studying lost Amazon tribes.
  • Chelsea Clinton's Hubby Ditches His Wife & Job To Ski In Wyoming For 3 Months! Trouble In Paradise? [Hollywood Life]
    This site, run by former Star editor Bonnie Fuller, takes on the positon of the slighted, abandoned wife, adding an eloquent "What?!" to the news and noting: "One would think a husband would choose his wife over a desire to hit the slopes, especially in their first year of marriage." Plus, they're all up in Chelsea's uterus, planning a grandson for Bubba: "If there really are no problems between the new couple maybe this getaway is simply a final hurrah before America's royal family welcomes a new heir!"
  • Chelsea's Husband Flakes Out, Heads For The Hills [SF Gate]
    Oh West Coast Frisco kids, we see what you did there. Flakes. Ha. A reporter opines:

    Traditionally, a young man becomes a ski bum before beginning his "real life" — a serious job and marriage. He rents out a house with 12 buddies, sleeps on a couch and works as a lift attendant or "pearl diver" (dish washer) in return for a season pass and beer money. Mezvinksky's trajectory of banker to married-man-with-famous-wife to ski bum presumably guarantees more comfortable accommodations without scrubbing pots. Still, leaving your bride of less than a year alone in your Fifth Avenue apartment for months doesn't look good.

    Sounds like these West Siiiiide peeps have intimate knowledge with advanced ski-bummery. Color us impressed.

  • Chelsea Clinton Marriage Beset by Rumors of Discord [The Improper]
    We don't know what the hell The Improper is, but obviously everyone who works there wears gloves and a top hat and nods to each other and says "Good day, sir" upon their arrival at work. How else to explain the refined and downright proper headline?
  • Chelsea Clinton in New York, Marc Mezvinsky in Wyoming, Still a 'Very Happy' Couple, Friend Says [Politics Daily]
    Journalist Annie Groer has been a Washington Post gossip columnist, written for the New York Times, is a founding director of the Art Deco Society of Washington, and "once danced across the Kennedy Center Stage with Liberace." She spoke to a family friend of the Clintons, who told her, "These reports are completely false." There's no way that this person was lying! Or covering up a troubled marriage on behalf of the Clintons! Annie Groer would know! And Annie Groer was told that Chelsea and Marc are "very happy," so we should believe Annie Groer, and not any nasty tabloids.

Last, but certainly not least:
  • Chelsea Clinton's Hubby Leaves Wall Street To Be Ski Bum [Ski Channel]
    A site devoted to skiing has weighed in! Kristian Hansen writes:

    Chelsea Clinton's husband, Marc Mezvinsky, has left his New York G3 Capital hedge fund job for the allure of being a ski bum. I guess the stress was too much for him to handle and the steep slopes of Jackson Hole offer peace and quiet. Wait til he finds himself on top of Corbett's Couloir, talk about stressed out.

    Actual slope jokes! It's all downhill from here.