This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down Syndrome

Every Wednesday, we play Midweek Madness, in which we "read" the tabloids, so you don't "have" to. This week, Star creates a "Down Syndrome Drama" for Angelina's twins and Lady Gaga does cocaine to get ideas like "meat dress."

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down Syndrome

Ok!
"Sisters Torn Apart By Secrets."
This is all about Kim and Kyle Richards, sisters on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Their relationship has only gotten worse since the show wrapped, and things have "almost come to physical blows." Kyle, the non-alcoholic one, gives Kim an allowance, because Kim is strapped for cash. Blah blah blah rehashed stuff from the show. Moving on: Leah from Teen Mom 2 recently married her twins' dad, Corey. But Leah's ex-boyfriend, Robbie, claims he slept with her hours before the wedding. MTV says that camera crews were with Leah for most of the evening — and in the morning — and "nothing happened." Did you hear the rumor that people walked out of Katie Holmes' movie, The Son Of No One, at Sundance? The film's producer tells Ok! "This is an outrage, because there was no walk-out whatsoever." And yet, there are details in here about how, toward the end of the film, there's a title card which reads, "this was based on a true story," and some folks at Sundance thought that was the end of the movie, even though there's one more dramatic scene after that. And someone accidentally turned the lights on, so people did get up and leave, but it was all a misunderstanding, or something. Anyway. Right now, Katie is having "the worst time of her life," because Anne Hathaway made fun of her on SNL , The Kennedys got booted from the History Channel, Tom has been away filming, and her former Dawson's Creek costar, Michelle Williams, earned a second Oscar nomination. Poor Katie! Lastly, Scott "American Psycho" Disick has a ring for Kourtney Kardashian, but they are not yet engaged.
Grade: F (medical diagnosis by a brick wall)

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down Syndrome

Life & Style
"World Exclusive: Babies On The Way."
Khloe Kardashian is not pregnant, but she wants to have a baby. Although. She isn't going to talk about it until it happens. But! Khloe has been "following" husband Lamar Odom as he travels during the NBA season so they can be together on her fertile nights. Let's talk about Katie Holmes for a moment. The image on the cover was so clearly cobbled together using a shot of her body and a different shot of her head. Anyway: Katie wants to have another baby, Suri would love a brother or sister and it's hard to say no to her and so on. To be clear: Neither Katie nor Khloe is pregnant. There are, however, four pages of "Hollywood's Baby Bump Boom," which includes a sidebar called "Biggest Baby-Weight Gains." Chris Pine and Laura Vandervoort are dating, not that we know who she is. Hank Baskett is a free agent in the 2011 season, so he and Kendra may move again. Teen Mom's Maci got a boob job and plans to write a book about, you guessed it, being a teen mom. Jessica Biel visited Neil Lane in December and has been searching for an engagement ring on her own, without Justin Timberlake. Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez were partying in Las Vegas on New Year's and grinding together on several "hot girls." Cammie asked one of the young ladies if she'd like to come back to the couples' hotel room to continue the festivities! Plus, in January, while on vacay in Paris, Cameron and A-Rod were hanging out at a hotel with a "gorgeous gal," got her drunk on champagne and Cammie invited her back to their room to "try on clothes." Someone definitely wants you to think Cameron and A-Rod are into threesomes. Lastly: When Willow Smith joined a social networking site after her mother, Jada Pinkett Smith, told her not to, Jada asked Willow what she thought her punishment should be. Willow said, "Mom, take my computer away." A child psychologist who has never met the family says this is appropriate parenting: "Asking kids what they think the consequence should be can be very effective."
Grade: D- (medical diagnosis by a cat)

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down Syndrome

In Touch
"Scott Confesses I'm In Love With Kim."
Scott thinks Kim Kardashian — sister of the woman he is dating — is hot. And he allegedly makes sexual and suggestive comments to Kim from time to time. "Scott never lets Kourtney know that she is just as hot or hotter than Kim, even though he should, " says an insider. "On the other hand, he talks about Kim all the time and has made it obvious that he is in love with her." If you're not already rolling your eyes all the way up into your head at the ridiculousness of this, here's the icing on the cake: At Kim's 30th birthday party, a source reveals, "Scott made a speech, announcing to everyone how much he 'loves' Kim." Yeah… as like, a sister-in-law, right? Duh. So dumb. Next: Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johannson had a "romantic, candlelit dinner" at Little Door in L.A. — Ryan used a fake name for the reservation. They "moved their chairs side-by-side so they were touching" as they ate, and were there for two hours. The couple dined on steak, couscous and sweet potato gnocci. During dessert, Scarlett fed Ryan bites of chocolate cake. Damn, we certainly hope the hostess or waiter who sold this story made some good cash, because we are loving the details. In an exclusive interview, Bethenny Frankel reveals she is ready for another baby. She says: "We're talking about having more children. Jason would love to and he's an amazing dad… But if we want to have more kids, we're going to have to have more sex. We're going to have more sex right after I get home today." Jessica Simpson is on a liquid diet so she can lose 20 lbs. for her wedding, and since she did a cleanse before going out for sushi and lots of sake, she got super drunk. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are "living separate lives." But! Faith has "too much pride" and doesn't want anyone to know she doesn't have the perfect life. Eva Longoria is dating Penelope's brother Edoardo Cruz, and he took her to see Penelope and Javier's new baby! Lucky duck! Martin Sheen is so fed up with Charlie's antics, he is pushing CBS to cancel Two And A Half Men. Brad and Angelina are "battling" over Jen, because in Brad's office at Plan B Productions, there was a copy of Allure with Jennifer Aniston on the cover lying around. Angie saw it and "went ballistic." This isn't the first time Brad has purchased a magazine with Jen on the cover — he also bought the GQ which had Jen wearing only a tie. Angelina is also pissed that Brad went to watch the Steelers game at Aaron Sorkin's house, because Sunday is family time, dammit! How anyone knows that she made him sleep in another room that night is beyond us. Christina Aguilera's friends want her to go to rehab, since she's always boozed up. Kat Von D has been talking about how she's planning her wedding using money from Jesse James' divorce. In other words, Sandra Bullock's cash? You know Teen Mom 2's Jenelle? A bunch of her friends are now pregnant. And hoping for fame and fortune. A source says: "Teen Mom hasn't helped prevent pregnancy around here at all."
Grade: D (medical diagnosis by a child)

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down Syndrome

Us
"How We Fell Back In Love."
This story is about how Teen Mom 2's Leah and Corey, her baby daddy are like, so in love. When asked if he's romantic, she says: "Oh God. He'll leave me little letters. Once, we got into a little argument, and he left me a note that said SORRY FOR BEING A BUTT HEAD. And that he loves me and the girls so much." Leah also says that her daughter Ali "is making improvements with physical therapy. She is trying to stand up on her own, and we are so proud of her! [One tabloid's report] said she is legally blind. She is not. And no one has ever said that she wasn't going to walk. She has not been tested for cancer or congenital heart failure." Moving on! Justin Timberlake has been "aggressively pursuing" Mila Kunis. The two were seen "whispering closely" at a SAG Awards afterparty, and rumor has it JT was "obsessed" with Mila when they were filming Friends With Benefits last summer. Meanwhile, John Mayer is looking for a new team to manage his image. He wants to change people's perspective on him. Recently, some girls came up and yelled at him and called him a horrible person, and that has gotta sting. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were spotted at the Chateau Marmont on January 28th, having drinks on the patio. They chatted for an hour, and ScarJo did most of the talking in a "rollercoaster conversation." She would smile… then appear to fight back tears. Later they to dinner at Little Door! Lastly: Here's a vivid description of Charlie Sheen's latest episode: "There was cocaine on his face, hands, fingertips and chest. Blood trickled from his nose and mouth. According to a source, this is what an unresponsive Charlie Sheen looked like when paramedics arrived at his L.A. mansion." And! A source says: "It was like a scene from Scarface."
Grade: D (medical diagnosis by Charlie Sheen)

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down Syndrome

Star
"Truth About The Twins."
The mag claims that there is "speculation" that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins have Down syndrome. The twins "are taking longer to grasp things," a nameless "insider" spills, and they are much less "rough and tumble" than their siblings. Over the holidays, when the family visited Brad's parents in Missouri, "People wondered if there was something wrong with the twins. It just seemed like something was off." Plus: "An employee recently voiced concerns, and Angelina freaked out." Basically, the person only wanted to know if Brad and Angie had looked into the possibility that the twins have a disorder, and Angelina was defensive. A completely shitty story, in which the mag splashes the words "DOWN SYNDROME DRAMA" across the page (see Fig. 1) but then offers zero proof. Not one source offers a direct quote or statement like, "The twins have Down syndrome." All in all, disgusting business. Christ. Moving right along! Blind item: "Which triple threat diva is so vain, she won't even look at a designer dress unless the label says it's a size six — even though that's not her size! An insider tells Star, 'She's more like a 10 or 12, but she has this thing where she denies she's bigger.'" Lady Gaga "needs help now!" On a night off in NYC, she was chattering "a million miles a minute." An eyewitness says: "She was totally out of it. Then her shoe got caught in a grate and she fell in the path of a cab that almost ran over her." A "friend" says Lady Gaga is getting "so heavily" into cocaine. Someone else says: "She has this crazy room in her house that's solely dedicated to getting high and writing songs." And! "The idea for her meat costume was the result of a coke-fueled binge." This story includes an unflattering picture of Gaga "passed out in a basement" (see Fig. 2). Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson is "drinking to destruction." A source tells the mag that Jess says works hard all day talking to designers and financial advisors… She says she deserves a drink or two to unwind." Someone else says Jess goes through cases of wine and champagne at home, and that sure sounds like fun. The mag calls her a lush! Chelsea Clinton is maybe having a "trial separation" from her husband. "Marc has taken a break from his job — and Chelsea and has relocated 2,250 miles westward to spend his time skiing." He spent all of January hitting the slopes. "Steven Tyler's Teen Lover" is a story from 1973 — he was 25, she was 15. Last, but not least, Shangela, a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, recently wore the same dress as Snooki (different events) — and Star claims Shangela "rocked it!" You better work! (see Fig. 3)
Grade: D+ (medical diagnosis by Star magazine)

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down SyndromeS

Fig. 1, from Star (click to enlarge)

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down Syndrome

Fig. 2, from Star

This Week's Tabloids: Star Diagnoses Angelina's Twins With Down SyndromeS

Fig. 3, from Star