A History of Silvio Berlusconi's Sex-Scandal Sketchiness

Prime minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi has been involved in so many bizarre sex scandals over the years (and the past few days) that it’s almost like creeping is his hobby. How to keep ’em straight? This time-line should help!

Print this out and keep it in your wallet at all times, for those moments when you’re looking for just the right uncomfortable silence-creating conversation topic:

Unknown date
A video on YouTube allegedly shows Berlusconi making “humping” gestures behind a police woman who’s just trying to do her damned job.

February 2007
Berlusconi’s wife, Veronica Lario, splits after her husband’s caught flirting with former showgirl turned equal opportunities minister Mara Carfagna.

September 2007
The Italian newspaper L’Espresso claims to acquire a taped conversation between Berlusconi and an escort named Patrizia D’Addario. The recording supposedly features the PM telling the escort he’s going to take a shower; the bed where the action happens is called “Putin’s bed”—which doesn’t reallyconjure up sexy thoughts, if we’re going to be totally honest about it.

In another conversation, he expresses surprise that D’Addario has lost her voice because, well, it’s not like they screamed while they were fucking. Seriously, it was just so weird for that to happen.

December 2007
Berlusconi issues a written statement apologizing to Lario, his wife, for flirting with other women.

April 2008
He declares that the left “has uglier women.”

Sometime during the second half of 2008
Berlusconi helps his pal Vladimir Putin (the Russian guy with the bed) defend himself during his sex scandal, which involved a model.

November 2008
Allegations that Berlusconi spent the night with call-girl D’Addario in his Rome residence become public. They accompany “stories about Berlusconi giving money and jewelry to women at parties.

April 2009
Berlusconi denies any indecent relationship with aspiring model Letizia Noemi, his business associate’s daughter. Noemi reportedly calls him “Daddy.” Berlusconi attended her birthday party and gifted her with a gold and diamond necklace. His poor wife later claims that Berlusconi missed his own children’s birthdays. Some daddy.

May 2009
Lario publicly demands a divorce, accusing him of “frequenting minors” and questioning his selection of “inexperienced but attractive” female election candidates. Ever the chivalrous one, Berlusconi demands an apology from her. “It is the third time she has done this to me in the middle of an election campaign,” he complained. “It’s too much.”

Berlusconi asserts that he and Noemi never had “spicy relations.” (But did they ever have spicy wings?) He swears it on his children—presumably the same ones whose birthdays he missed.

A man who was dating Noemi claims she spent New Year’s with Berlusconi at his villa. “There she and her friend, Roberta, enjoyed the company of the Prime Minister, along with numerous guests, including about 30 women of a similar age,” reported the Times. Or was it actually 50 showgirls? Reports vary. After 10 or so showgirls, does an exact number really matter anyway?

June 2009
Berlusconi denies that he ever paid D’Addario for sex. “I’ve never understood what the satisfaction is without the pleasure of making a conquest,” he tells Corriere della Sera, dropping the “maybe she was just a trap! maybe I am the target of a conspiracy!” defense. He also talks about his split from Lario: “What is beyond doubt is that we had a great love story. And great love stories never fade. I am at ease. Sad, but at ease.”

D’Addario responds to Berlusconi’s denials by calling him a liar.

The folks at the Catholic weekly Famiglia Cristiana express their frustration with this guy and his bullshit.

July 2009
Berlusconi admits he’s “no saint.” That is very true!

August 2009
Lario says she can no longer stop her husband from “looking ridiculous before the world … I cannot condemn myself to be his wetnurse and I cannot stop him from making himself ridiculous before the world.”

Berlusconi refuses to apologize to his daughters for sleeping with teenagers and prostitutes.

September 2009
He greets Michelle Obama in a most creeptastic way, inviting the displeasure of one Mr. POTUS.

October 2009
He offends hundreds of thousands of women by calling one of his ex-ministers “more beautiful than intelligent” during a live television show. More than 100,000 women sign a petition stating, “This man offends us. Stop him.”

November 2009
D’Addario releases a book about her experiences. She gives the PM high reviews for his sexual performance. The rest of the world seeks therapy for PTSD caused by reading about their encounters.

February 2010
He presents a list of election candidates that includes a Miss Italy contestant, a weatherwoman from one of his TV channels and a former showgirl.

May 2010
The PM’s office intervenes to help 17-year-old Karima El Mahroug after police detained her for suspicion of theft. Intervening like this isn’t legal in Italy. Reports of this incident become known in October, at which time Berlusconi replies that he only tried to help El Mahroug because he’s “a person with a heart.” Aha, just you wait to see how this one unfolds!

September 2010
During a gathering for the youth wing of his party, Berlusconi says that young women should look for a wealthy boyfriend.

October 2010
Seventeen-year-old 17-year-old belly dancer Karima El Mahroug—also known as Ruby Rubacuori, Karima Keyek, and/or Stealer of Hearts—reveals that Berlusconi gave her $10,000 and jewelry at a Valentine’s Day dinner that included the company of 10 other women. But when he found out her age, he backed off—claiming that he’d “had enough problems in the past with another underage girl.” El Mahroug tells the world about the now-infamous bunga-bunga parties, described by the Guardian as “sessions involving after-dinner sex between male and female guests.”

November 2010
Former call-girl Nadia Macri tells the press about a selection process in which young girls were picked up on the street and taken to Berlusconi’s parties.

Now watching the scandals and bad news piled on top of him, Berlusconi makes the point that at least being passionate for women is better than being gay. Right?

December 2010
WikiLeaked documents indicate that Berlusconi’s health is poor because of all his partying and sexing, combined with all the negative press he gets for being a gross creepshow. He’s “a complete mess,” says a “friend.”

January 2011
Berlusconi’s being investigated for maybe paying for sex with El Mahroug, who was a teenager at the time. And thus the word “Rubygate” is born.

Hopefully we haven’t missed any important scandals, allegations, videos, or other sex/sexism/creepitude-related misdeeds, but let us know if we’re missing any.