This week we learned that silly tools with which you pretend to understand yourself are lies.
An astronomy professor from the University of Minnesota recently gave an interview in which he noted that the earth wobbles in orbit and, as such, there's an additional sign in the Zodiac — howdy, Ophiuchus! — and as a result all other astrological signs have been thrown off. If you were a Scorpio, you're now a Libra, etc.
This discovery (or perhaps non-discovery) has been reported before (like in 1995 and 2007, or even this past July) but this latest iteration seems to have caused a bit more hoopla. Perhaps that's because it's January, the month in which we supposedly Get A Fresh Start, and so this rehashed news of Our True Selves is getting attention. Or maybe we're all just eager to pick up on this stuff because it's a nice distraction from what has been an awful week: we'll run with anything, so long as it's light and fun. Please, God, just let it be light and fun.
This entertaining identity crisis, however, is a waste of time for most Westerners, even those who truly believe in this stuff, because Westerners generally adhere to the tropical zodiac. And as it turns out, your sign isn't going to really change in the tropical zodiac. (Leave it to the tropics to rescue you from a winter crisis.) Oh, AND the Minnesota professor says he was misquoted anyhow. But you'll not hear much about the Fun Story Of The Week having zero effect on any of us because, well, that's no fun! So let's just pretend that we still have a good reason to be silly and freak out.
According to the new "true" zodiac, which for our purposes will totally apply to me just for the amount of time it takes to write this post, I'm not a Pisces but an Aquarius. Aquarius?! What does that even mean? How dare the stars pull the rug out from under my faux-sense of self! Rachel Maddow nicely expressed this sentiment last night:
Like Maddow, I am stubborn. As she insists that she is and always will be an Aries, I am a Pisces, goddamit. Nevertheless, this astrological "news" was nagging at me and so, in a rare fit of misguided and ineffective self-exploration, I decided to look into the new characteristics bequeathed upon me by the stars.
Now, if I'm going to even slightly buy into this stuff, I've always understood myself to be a "classic Pisces," all sensitive and impractical and whatnot — but this doesn't necessarily bode well with my new Aquarian identity, which is more independent and less emotional. So what the hell? How to reconcile my Piscean self with all of these Aquarian traits that don't really apply to me at all? (Except the positive stuff, obviously.) Am I supposed to start disciplining myself because the planets expect me, as an Aquarius, to be a bit more practical? It's a little late for that, don't you think?
Not that I buy into any of this shit. But it's been a fun distraction for the week, hasn't it? What with all the hand-wringing over things we know are ultimately, completely inconsequential! Alas, now it's time to get back to Jared Loughner's g-string.
Image via piotrwzk/Shutterstock.