A Reading From The Gospel According To TronS

In this week's reading, the role of God will be played by Jeff Bridges, the role of Virgin Mary by Olivia Wilde, and the role of someone pissed they wasted fifteen bucks to see it will be played by you.

There are so many ways that this movie failed- from the fact that CGI Satan Jeff Bridges was a better actor than non-computer animated God Jeff Bridges to the fact that there was not nearly enough light cycle action, but since this is a lady site for ladies, I'm going to focus on the way that the movie reinforced eye-rollingly Paul-esque views of women. It's ironic that a movie that purports to take place in a high tech, futuristic setting actually hearkens to old school misogyny. How cutting edge.

I thought this movie looked promising, like it might feature some righteous displays of lady ass kickery by my current girlcrush Olivia Wilde. I thought that perhaps she'd do something cool and magical without the film making a big fucking deal about the fact that she's a Hot Lady. Alas, it was not meant to be.

The film kept coming back to the fact that Quorra was this incredible, perfect creature, but the only thing that I was able to glean she accomplished with her awesomeness was extreme crushing and the ability to not die when her arm was cut off, as well as the power of sporting a bob haircut with asymmetrical bangs without looking like an extra in Reality Bites 2. . She existed to devotedly serve older, Jeff Bridges Flynn and devotedly eyefuck the younger, average American cocky tee shirt wearing Flynn. She was beautiful and and completely dependent upon her male stewards, at one point even drawing a parallel between her own rescue and the rescue of the younger Flynn's Boston Terrier. Ladies: just like dogs, but with less barking and more boobs. Her desires were the desires of the men. She lived to serve. A sex-waitress. The Virgin Mary as rendered by modern geekboys. Submissive, dependent, and unquestioningly devoted. The hot woman that all jerks think they deserve.

Not all of the women are chaste and innocent like Quorra, though. The film acknowledges that some women are sexy and curvy and wear fake eyelashes, but these women also can't get enough of the main character's balls. He's positively the sexiest thing they've ever seen! Inexplicably! Identify with the protagonist, men watching this film. He is you, and all women want you..

I had prepared for the possibility that this film might be a little "off" with its depictions of women, men, and their relationships (because many movies are), and thus my moviegoing companion and I chemically prepared ourselves before setting off for the Imax, but all of the magic dragon-puffing in the world couldn't erase this movie's laughably archaic themes. It was a retelling of the least cool things about the Bible, the things that you didn't learn about in Sunday School until sixth grade or so, when you were sneak-attacked by a well-meaning adult volunteer who tried to nonchalantly smuggle the less fun Bible stuff in there without you noticing what was going on, the no-sex-before-marriage stuff and the going-to-hell stuff.

The film closes with Quorra, who all this time has had amazing as-yet-depicted magical powers, wrapping her legs around the painfully forgettable protagonist as he speeds into the sunset on his motorcycle, like Laura Croft and Amelie were combined, and then had all of their good qualities removed.

Jesus Arcade-Owning Christ was this film bad. If you insist on seeing it, be drunk.

Image via AP