Anyone who's been cash-strapped around the holidays knows the importance of a gift that doesn't break the bank. With that in mind, we bring you gift ideas for your favorite spies, zombies, and bookworms — all $10 or under.
Want your zombie friends to quit eating people's brains? Buy them this tasteful brain-shaped jello mold! At just $7.95, it's a bargain, especially considering all the human lives you will save.
This camera ring stands to become a cute conversation piece, even though it doesn't actually snap photos. Your loved one can pretend to capture all manner of tomfoolery at New Years' parties, then gleefully reveal that it's all fake (of course, probably only drunken revelers will mistake this for a real camera). Pro tip: I recently tried one of these on in an actual bricks-and-mortar store, and I can tell you that they run a little large.
Perhaps you have a friend whose greatest dream in life is to stick his dick in a book? Well, you're in luck — the Penis Pokey book is basically a picture book with a giant glory-hole in the middle. Believe it or not, I have also had a chance to examine this item in a bricks-and-mortar store. Due to anatomical constraints, however, I cannot tell you if it runs large or small.
If you're going to start sticking your dick in books, you might as well stick it in The Tempest, Shakespeare's best and last play. Really, paperback editions of classics make great affordable gifts, especially for young people, but if you're going to go that route, why wouldn't you get The Tempest? I mean,
Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that doth fade,
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
You can't make that shit up. Unless you're Shakespeare.
Be warned: these fake tattoo sleeves will make whoever receives them look like a total badass, and all the eligible ladies/dudes in the vicinity will immediately swoon. Also, they don't actually stick on your skin like temporary tattoos, so you can use them again and again in whatever situations require badassery. And they won't take, like, a week to wear off and make you look like you have a skin disease in the meantime. Not that I would know.
For the budding Anna Chapman in your life, consider these lovely invisible ink pens. Of course, you could also get your spy buddy an Anna Chapman action figure, but at $29.95, they're beyond the scope of this guide.
It may seem prosaic, but this almond hand creme is the best there is. I'm the type whose knuckles get all cracked and bloody the minute winter hits, but this stuff keeps my skin baby-soft and my blood where it belongs. As a gift, it's more original than lip gloss, and its tasty almond bouquet is a nice alternative for those who don't like flowery scents. The dry-skinned lady — or dude — in your life will thank you.
I'm just going to come out and say that this head massager — unlike, say, the Penis Pokey book — is kind of sexual. One time somebody got them for everyone in my family and after we tried them on each other, we had to sort of go to separate rooms for a while because we were weirded out. So, don't do that. Instead, give this to a partner, or someone else in whom you want to induce sort of a head-genital-reflexology situation. It's hard to describe. You might want to just get one for yourself.