Britney Spears Is Gettin' Married, Y'all!S

"Insiders" report that Brit-Brit, devastated by abuse rumors about her boyfriend Jason Trawick that surfaced earlier this week, is going to show everyone by marrying him. Given her history of making great decisions, this can only end well.

  • Britney and Jason are totally in love, a regular Lady-Sampson and Man-Delilah, according to the unnamed source. What does one do to become a tabloid source? It sounds fun. Do I just start saying random crap about people until someone writes it down? [Showbiz Spy]
  • Kirsten Dunst is reportedly not mad at Spider-man producers for recasting the way too fucking soon reboot of the series. No one is angry that Kirsten Dunst wasn't recast as Mary Jane; I'm pretty sure everyone's angry that another iteration of Spider-Man is on the horizon and there's still no release date for that Arrested Development movie.[Showbiz Spy]
  • Mike Tyson has 2,500 pigeons. You are now reading the rest of this gossip roundup in Mike Tyson's voice.[Showbiz Spy]
  • At the beginning of her career, Rihanna worried that people wouldn't notice her. That is, until that one fateful night when she met that mysterious dwarf who informed her that she was actually a teen witch. Then, using magic, Rihanna made herself the most popular girl and Brad, the most popular boy, totally fell in love with her. [Contact Music]
  • Leonardo Dicaprio is in Israel visiting his girlfriend, model Bar Rafaeli, and this obviously means that he is converting to Judaism so that the two can get married and start having little Jewish babies, kind of like how one weekend I watched all six Star Wars films and became a Jedi so I could marry Carrie Fisher. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Tom Hardy is going to play Hugo Strange in the next installment of Batman: Growl-Off In Chicago. It took me three tries to read anything besides bla bla bla Tom Hardy OMG that man's beautiful face bla bla bla. [ONTD]
  • Meanwhile, in a scenario that comes as close to accurately representing one of the outer circles of actual Hell as just about anything I've ever heard, Kate Gosselin appeared on Sarah Palin's reality show about Alaska, America's frozen embarrassing uncle depository. Kate, overwhelmed emotionally by being forced to be outside, cried tears of horrible sadness and gnashed her teeth and we all totally felt bad for her. [Daily Mail]
  • Meanwhile, Kate Gosselin's children have been telling the children at school that Santa isn't real. They're basically living their lives as a reality TV reboot of the characters who found golden tickets that gave them admission to Willy Wonka's factory. Soon, one of them will turn into a blueberry and tiny orange men will appear to teach us lessons about not being a jerk.[ONTD]
  • Robert DeNiro became the 7 bazillionth person in human history to say "Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!" but we all laugh good naturedly and shake our heads. It's okay, because he's old. [<a href="">Showbiz Spy]
  • Sylvester Stallone's stalker met the star without incident and proceeded to get arrested for behaving erratically outside of a Hollywood eatery. I was under the impression that the arrestable offense was actually not acting erratically outside of a Hollywood eatery, but that shows how much I know about Hollywood. [TMZ]
  • Mark Ruffalo is not a terrorist. I don't know, dude. I've seen 13 Going on 30. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Hugh Jackman was the first choice to play Captain Jack Sparrow, a role eventually made famous by Johnny Depp. My vagina is really confused and upset right now.[Daily Express]
  • Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Paramore, and Sugarland performed at a concert called VH1 Divas Support The Troops. Let's hope the word "Diva" is being used ironically in this case and that VH1 producers don't honestly put these women on par with actual divas like Aretha Franklin otherwise, it's another word that is now devoid of meaning, along with "talented," "entertainer," and "awesome." [HuffPo]
  • Taylor Lautner says he feared that he'd be killed by Twilight fans. We all did, Taylor. We all did. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Justin Timberlake hurt his leg while shooting his new film earlier this week, and now filming's on hiatus while the star heals. All of this was foretold in N*Sync's first demo, Tearin' Up My Leg. [Perez]
  • Ke$ha says she's turned on by men with big bushy beards and big sacks of quarters. I really admire her commitment to being a living anti-meth PSA. [Showbiz Spy]

    Image via Bauer Griffin