This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Boyfriend Beats HerDodai Stewart12/01/10 2:00pmFiled to: Midweek MadnessBritney spears beatBritney spears domestic violenceBritney SpearsAbortionJason trawickkim kardashianHalle BerryGabriel AubreySnookiTaylor SwiftJake GyllenhaalJennifer AnistonBrad PIttAmber portwoodKate MiddletonRobert PattinsonKristen StewartIn Touchok!OK! MagazineStarStar MagazineLife & StyleLife & Style WeeklyUsus magazineUs WeeklyLindsay LohanJason Alexander3422EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalinkWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I fall down the celebrity tabloid rabbit hole. This week we learned about Lindsay's reality show, Taylor & Jake's true romance, and Britney's domestic violence and abortion news.Life & Style "I'm Having A Baby!" The story here sets up the idea that Jessica Simpson is pregnant, noting that she wore a "flowy, figure-concealing" T-shirt, vomited backstage at The Early Show and complained of an "uncontrollable bladder" on Jimmy Fallon's program. Plus, she "gave into her cravings" the night before Thanksgiving "by devouring everything from the starter bread to the chocolate soufflé dessert." But wait! At this dinner, she also knocked back three or four drinks. So Jessica Simpson is not pregnant. Still, she said: "There are no babies yet. But I definitely see myself having a family with Eric, so that's exciting to think about." The cover line should have read "I'm Having A Baby Sometime In The Next 50 Years." Moving right along: Snooki had a big birthday party last week, and although Ronnie, The Situation, Sammi, Vinny and Pauly D were all invited, none of them showed up. Only J-Woww represented. You can always count on J-Woww. She is so loyal. Jennifer Aniston wore bikinis while on vacation in Mexico, and the mag finds her ass impressive (see image 7). (Note how the cover claimed she "bares all," leading us to think she was naked?) LOL headline of the day: "Prince William Is A Groomzilla." While shooting pictures on the set of Angelina's film in Budapest, Brad Pitt's camera was stolen! He put his Leica S2 down to grab one of his other four cameras, and someone walked off with it! The camera was worth $25,000 — and Brad hadn't had a chance to upload images to his computer. (Think he had any "private" snaps of Angie?) Last, but certainly not least, "Ke$ha's 15 Secrets" include: "I eat men." The fashion item she can't live without? "Glitter diapers." Also: "I can hold my breath underwater without using my hand, like an aquatic animal." Trying too hard, or hardly trying? You be the judge. (see image 8). Grade: F - (off with their heads)ShareTweet Kinja is in read-only mode. We are working to restore service.