The Quaids Predict Their Own Deaths, Are Still Crazy

In a new interview with Esquire, Randy and Evi Quaid elaborate on the "Star Whackers'" efforts to murder them, the plot to ruin actors including Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen, and their bizarre, yet somewhat sweet, devotion to each other.

Esquire's Chris Jones spent several hours with the Quaids in Canada last week, where they're seeking asylum. They're still wanted in California for allegedly vandalizing their former home and defrauding an innkeeper, but say Canada is the only place they'll be safe from the mafia-like group attempting to kill them for profit. Evi is allowed to stay in the country because her father is Canadian, but it will probably take the courts two years to determine if Randy should be granted refugee status.

Though the Quaids claim they'll be safer in Canada, they still believe their lives are in danger. Evi told Jones, "We're this close to solving our own murder," and went on describe several murder scenarios she witnessed after walking in on Star Whackers' practice runs:

Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep - "They know he has sleep apnea," she says - and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief. The Star Whackers have stolen some of his songs - he writes sad, introspective songs on more crumpled sheets of paper - and the killers will lay one out on the nightstand or the kitchen counter. "Randy's songs read like suicide notes," Evi says. "That's how the cops will read them."

Or they will be hanged together, Randy and Evi, strung up from the rafters in a garage. Another song will surface. It will be ruled a double suicide.

Or they will be found in their car, parked overlooking the steel-gray sea, and they will be found sitting, frozen, hand-in-hand, their insides brimming with a lethal dose of Demerol, administered through Evi's stolen migraine medication. "A pharmacist told me they could put one hundred times the lethal dose in a single pill," she says.

The Quaids have previously claimed the Star Whackers killed their friends Heath Ledger, Chris Penn, and David Carradine. Now they predict Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, and Lindsay Lohan will be next. Of course, these stars are already the victims of a long smear campaign, so we won't be surprised when one of them OD's in a hotel room, with empty pill bottles sprinkled around their body.

The idea that a rich and powerful celebrity would independently develop a drug problem or abuse their spouse seems out of the question to the Quaids. To hear Evi tell it, anything bad that happenes to celebs is the work of the Star Whackers. She suggests that Star Whackers were behind numerous other Hollywood deaths, including Robert Blake's wife, Phil Hartmann and his wife, the woman shot at Phil Spector's house, and Michael Jackson.

None of this makes much sense, especially the part about the Quaids being safe in Canada even though Carradine died in Thailand. But there's a grain of truth — or perhaps just a love of conspiracy theories — that makes their story intriguing. At first Evi's claim that Radar Online, the police, and their local DQ employees are all in cahoots sounds laughable:

"Radar Online is owned by the police," Evi says firmly. She sounds entirely convinced. "They called the Dairy Queen in Marfa, Texas, to spread rumors about us when we lived there. Everything came out of the Dairy Queen."

It's hard to imagine the police setting up a gossip site to post interviews with Snooki's latest boyfriend and updates on the Real Housewives. However, her claim that authorities, studios, and gossip sites are conspiring against the stars isn't so far fetched. Two LAPD officers were suspended for allegedly leaking photos of Rihanna's beaten face to TMZ, tabloid reporters go to celebrities' home towns and try to get dirt out of their grandmas, and Nicolas Cage says he lost his fortune thanks to a shady ex-manager. With a small dose of delusional thinking, unrelated incidents of celebrities being taken advantage of become an international conspiracy.

Coming from one person, it would be easier to dismiss their stories as some sort of paranoia. However, they are both utterly convinced that the other is sane, and their claims match up. Chris Jones says that after spending time with them, it's clear they love each other "desperately." He writes, "A love like theirs can make anything seem possible." Though it's a semi-romantic thought to end the piece on, to those on the outside, it's plain to see that while interesting, their theories are impossible. Sadly, it seems like something more than love — mental illness, or perhaps drugs — is fueling the Quaids.

With Randy Quaid in a Windowless Room [Esquire]
Cops Suspended Over Rihanna Photo [Contact Music]