American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

So this happened. But so did a lot of other things, like lots of black lace, random pops of grown-up glamour (which is not really what the AMAs are about, but hey), and Nicki Minaj. Oh, where to begin?

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

I know what you're thinking: So what did Katy Perry REALLY wear? Because this is just too tame, right? Sparkles and puffy rosettes are merely low-level quirky, and we've come to expect a lot more. Instead we get a highly embellished but otherwise basic, almost-pretty dress? Clearly marriage has totally dulled Katy's personality! Which you'll read about in Midweek Madness before the year's over.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Taylor Swift, what have you done?!?? And do I maybe like it?

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Miley Cyrus, Toilet Paper Bride.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

A very pretty surprise from Rihanna!

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Jenny McCarthy: fun! Just adventurous enough without stealing the show from the moppets. This night is all about them, after all.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Speaking of: Christina Milian demands your attention. Or her lacey-sparkly-tiny-blingy space cadet dress does, anyhow.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Keri Hilson rocks the reptilian texture, with bonus draping.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Pink, appropriately glowing, keeps it simple. She's got better things to do, after all.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Nicki Minaj: Our thoughts exactly.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Johnny Weir seems to be wearing thigh-high boots. As he damn well should. The real issue is whether or not Rachel Zoe styled him.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

The Black Eyed Peas tonight will be accompanied by the stars of Fraggle Rock.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Someone once gave me a black lace kerchief handmade by some old woman in Spain. This dress reminds me of that kerchief. Dark, brooding, pretty. If I were Heidi Klum, yeah, sure, I'd wear it as a dress.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Julianne Hough, also doing lace, though this seems more Grammys-level glamour.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Mandy Moore: yes, please.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Willow and Jaden Smith brought their babysitter.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Julie Benz demonstrates the single-boob pop. Also, she's wearing Chanel, and she wants you to know it.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Sheryl Crow is definitely the most comfortable person on this carpet.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Diddy with singers Dawn Richard and Kalenna Harper from Dirty Money. This blue is gorgeous. I wish we saw more of it. Also, all outfits here have little leather accents. That's how you know they're a team, I guess? Whatever. That blue!

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Hillary Scott of Lady Antebellum challenges you with an optical illusion.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Another optical illusion, less-elegantly so, courtesy of Avril Lavigne.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Karina Smirnoff is shiny.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

It could just be the expression on his face, but Usher looks kind of tired. He must be exhausted from doing double duty as Justin Bieber's swagger coach.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

It was Cheryl Burke's accessories that ultimately did her in.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

And yet more black lace, this time from Savannah Outen, who keeps it youthful without going full Milian.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Here we have The Band Perry. Discuss.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

John Legend and his lady Christene Telgen. Gorgeous gown, though perhaps a bit too much so for this crowd.

American Music Awards Fashion: Jesus Christ, Ke$ha

Looks like Mitchel Musso is getting a little too big for his britches.