Top Chef: Just Desserts is always full of sugar-coated weird. But last night's episode — in which contestants had to make tea-sized desserts based on celebrity couples — resulted in levels of bullshitting I've not seen since college seminars.

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First of all, let's see if you can match the dessert to the celebrities!

  • 1.

Rosemary shortbread with apricot compote, pecan shortbread with caramel

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  • 2.

Strawberry jalapeno cake, oatmeal bar with orange blossom water

  • 3.

Cap'n Von Trapp Crunch with a Spoonful of Sugar on Top, Pink Panther pavlova

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  • 4.

Almond sponge with apricot coulis and citrus buttercream, citrus macaroon.

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  • 5.

Citrus scented yogurt cake, brown butter sable

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  • a. Oprah and Stedman
  • b. Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter
  • c. Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards
  • d. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush
  • e. Madonna and Guy Richie

First of all, yes, the contestants CHOSE THEIR OWN CELEBRITIES. And since they're actually IMPOSSIBLE TO GUESS except for the Julie Andrews one, they're just in order. But man, you should have heard some of these justifications. Morgan — who admitted that he came up with the dessert before choosing celebrities — said the macaroon represents Kim because she's "rough around the edges" and the sour part evokes her bitterness that Reggie hasn't proposed. Madonna was represented by that cake because she's "sweet" or something completely illogical, while Guy Richie is "a simple guy." Yes, at least the strawberry's because Conan's a red head, but the jalapeno is — wait for it — because he's Irish. As for the shortbreads, poor Eric the baker could hardly be bothered to come up with a justification, but dredged up the rationale that Oprah is "round" and Stedman "square." He went home. Naturally, Julie and Blake won.

This show has been weird since the get-go, and not always in an entertaining way. But this episode, as a British friend would say, beggared belief. From the dubious theme to the weird celeb choices to the cockamamie explanations that the judges had to listen to with straight faces, you just found yourself feeling bad for everyone involved. Plus, if I were Andy Richter I'd be seriously insulted right now.