Tila Tequila's Bizarre 29th Year Comes To A CloseS

Today is Tila Tequila's 29th birthday, bringing to a close one hell of an eventful year for the stripper/reality star/Juggalo victim. Let's recap!

In January, Tequila's fiance Casey Johnson died-just weeks after the couple announced their engagement in a weird, grainy video on Tila's livestream web channel. In the aftermath of Johnson's death, Tequila tweeted a lot, then talked about being dehydrated from not drinking water "for two months." Annoyed, we declared we were done with her. But we weren't, really!

Not long after Johnson's death, Tequila was rumored to be preggers with the spawn of Joe Francis. Longest gestation period in history, or total BS? Seems like the latter.

In August, Tequila suffered at the hands of angry Juggalos, who pelted her with rocks, excrement, and other nastiness. She sustained facial cuts and vitriol from people who said she "deserved it." No, actually, she didn't.

In October, Tila tried to get an injunction to prevent a sex tape she made with her ex-boyfriend from being released, but the judge denied it, saying she "exploits her sexuality" anyway. We also learned of another sex tape she made with a woman.

And as if that weren't enough, a Kid Rock impersonator groped her.

The narrative arc is hard to follow, as Tila's spot in popular culture seems to shift every time she appears in the news. She's the victim of personal tragedy! No, wait — she's just using her circumstances to get attention. Oh but look, now she's bona fide victim of clowns and the courts! Keeping up with her ever-changing role is nearly impossible for a bystander — actually being her must be exhausting.

Hey Tila, why don't you take it easy this year? You know, slow down, stay away from Juggalos and Joe Francis and sex cameras for a while. Just take stock and reassess where you're headed in life. Enroll in a pottery class, or study Latin. Inner peace is just a handmade coffee mug away!