Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I search for pearls of truth in oceans of magazines. This week, Angelina Jolie's former drug dealer gets a moment in the spotlight, J-Woww gets a makeunder and Obama gets old.
Kinda slow gossip week, folks. This story is about Jim Toth being "ready" to propose to Reese Witherspoon. He wants to design the ring himself, and the proposal will be private— he'll either take Reese away someplace or they'll go to her farm. And that's it. Next: Sandra Bullock's "exclusive" vacation photos are two pictures of Louis being cute. A source claims that Beyoncé is pregnant, and in her first trimester. "B was shocked. She loves kids, but she wasn't ready to be a mother just yet. She really wanted to get her album done and tour the world again. But she knows this is a gift from God and she's so happy." Okay? (And why wasn't Beyoncé the big image on the cover, hmm?) Jennifer Lopez is in a new Gucci ad with her kids, if you care. And lastly: In "25 Things You Don't Know About Me: Jerry Springer," we learn he was born in a subway station that served as a bomb shelter during World War II, and he hates communism, onions and cilantro.
Grade: D- (barnacle)
"Ryan Breaks Maci's Heart."
This isue looks different inside, probably thanks to new editor Richard Spencer, who used to work at Bauer Publishing, home of In Touch and Life & Style. Disclosure: When I worked at celebrity teen zine J-14, he was my boss! So the mag seems newsier now, and it's meaner. It's probably supposed to be snarky, but it's just mean. For instance: Christina Aguilera on a slide with her son is captioned "Yaaay!!! I'm Gonna Be A Divorcée!" In the cover story, Teen Mom's Maci is supposed to be heartbroken because her baby daddy Ryan is seeing some new chick. But Maci and Ryan are not together, and Maci has a new boyfriend, so she's not heartbroken, despite what the cover says. To Ok!'s credit, they did interview Ryan, his new gf and did a photo shoot with the two of them and Bentley, Maci and Ryan's son. (maybe that broke Maci's heart?). Here's a great quote from 22-year-old Ryan on his relationship with Morgan, the new gal: "We're taking it slow. Sex makes babies, so I quit that game." He's a keeper! In other news, there's a story which claims Meri from Sister Wives is thinking about leaving Kody, but presents zero evidence to support that clam beyond what was seen on the show. Kat Von D has broken up with Jesse James. In "Little Kids, Big Problems," we learn that Suri is growing up too fast, and Shiloh is "living a lonely life." The mag copy reads: "In fact, the routine she and her siblings most look forward to is eating at a McDonald's where ever they are. A family insider explains the allure of the golden arches: 'It's the only constant for the kids. It's easy and they like it. The kids have happy meals from every country. It's their way of keeping track of where they've been.'" On the cover, there's a line which reads: "BULLIED FOR THEIR WEIGHT." But how Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Hudson solved that, according to the mag, was to lose weight. So there's a standard diet article with pictures of grilled chicken and so on, and info about how, for JLH, "the mean comments spurred her on to get her best body ever." This same story has a side bar called "Hollywood's Unfair Idea Of The Perfect Weight" with how much actresses like Minka Kelly and Gabourey Sidibe supposedly weight, and "Bullying Lead To Tragedy," true tales of people who took their lives after being bullied. It's just weird. Lastly, in the "Big Debate" section of the mag, Salon's Tracy-Clark Flory weighs in on the Duke Fuck List, which doesn't seem like it belongs next to Teen Mom gossip, but whatever.
Grade: D (rotten clam)
"Teen Moms In Crisis."
Amber Portwood's "crisis" is that she's a bad mom and she's never home — says her neighbor Tiffany. She adds: "There are cars coming and going. I see different guys walk in and then leave in the morning." But if Amber is never home, then what are those guys doing? Maci's "crisis" is that Ryan still treats her badly, and she may have had a nose job. Farrah's "crisis" is that she's broke, her mother was arrested for allegedly hitting her, and she maybe has boob implants. In other words: The Teen Moms are not in crisis more than they are in any given week. Let's move on… Janet Jackson is engaged! The lucky man is Qatari businessman Wissam Al Mana, who is quite handsome, and we read somewhere that he's a billionaire! He gave her a 15-carat diamond ring, and he is 35 while she is 44. Go Janet! Angelina Jolie is a "monster" on the set of the film she is directing. That is, according to an extra. Apparently Angie is "tough to work with" and "demanding." Um. Of course she is demanding, she is directing you in a movie! Apparently Angie has rules for the set — no cameras, personal calls, tardiness or even bathroom breaks, unless authorized by Angelina. So you can't just wander off the set in the middle of the movie to pee and call your mom? THE HORROR. "I've been caught using my phone on the set," says an extra. "There are penalties and monetary fines for breaking the rules. We are not allowed to ask questions or have an opinion on pretty much anything — we are considered to be employee-robots." Really? Angelina is not asking the extras for their opinion as she shoots her film? This is the best you've got? Moving along. J-Woww had a makeover, or makeunder, really, in which she went "from Shore to chic." (see image 7). Did you know that Hollywood is on a "cheek-plumping craze"? (see image 8). Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are building an addition to their home, so clearly they are "ready" for another baby. Gwen allegedly wants a girl, so she can dress her up, have tea parties, and so on, but we think Kingston would be down for that, he is so awesome.
Grade: D (broken mussel)