There are a ton of rumors swirling around tonight's VMAs: will Taylor sing a song about Kanye? Will Rihanna or Lindsay Lohan make a surprise appearance? Will we fall asleep halfway through the show? Let's all find out together.
11:15: Well, we made it, crew. Thanks for watching with me tonight. Hope you had fun!
11:14: "Let's have a toast for the douchebags" pretty much sums up everything about the evening, I guess.
11:09: And here comes Kanye's song of the night, after an introduction by Aziz Ansari.
11:08Gaga's new album is called "Born This Way," and she just gave us a preview, I think.
11:07: Gaga is wearing an outfit made entirely of meat. PETA powers, activate!
11:06:Holy shit, it's CHER! It makes me sad to think that half of the audience is probably like, "Cher?" And Video of the Year goes to: Lady Gaga, "Bad Romance."
11:00: You've made it through two hours, crew. Well done.
10:55: Emma Stone and Penn Badgley introduce Linkin Park, who apparently have a #1 single.
10:53: The winner of Best New Artist is: Justin Bieber, naturally.
10:50:Tracie just posted Taylor's sad Kanye song from earlier tonight, you can watch it here.
10:47: Robyn!!! And they're going to cut her off! Ugh.
10:44: Oh wait, here's Hayley Williams of Paramore to sing "Airplanes" with B.O.B, and she's actually singing, too (as is he).
10:42: And now B.O.B. and Bruno Mars are performing "Nothin On You." And I think Bruno Mars is the third person tonight who is actually singing.
10:41: Gaga, outfit #2.
10:35: Sofia Vergara is presenting the award for Best Hip Hop Video, which goes to: Eminem, "Not Afraid."
10:33:The Jersey Shore crew is on stage in a hot tub, and Chelsea Handler is yelling at them. The Situation is hitting on her, naturally. And now Chelsea is getting in to the hot tub. And my boyfriend is still snoring.
10:30: My boyfriend is snoring on the couch. It's a more exciting performance than most of the things I've seen on stage tonight. At least he's not lip-synching.
10:27: The winners of the Professional VMAs are announced in a quick montage: Lady Gaga, Muse, Florence and the Machine, Jay-Z/Alicia Keys videos all take home awards.
10:24: Mary looks and sounds awesome.
10:22: Drake, Mary J. Blige, and Swizz Beatz are now on stage, and I think Mary is the second person of the night who is actually singing.
10:20: Justin Timberlake! Please come back to us and sing!
10:12: That was so embarrassing. And condescending. Kanye needs to grow up? Perhaps. But you're still the one singing an emo ballad about being interrupted at an awards show, dude.
10:10: Oh SNAP: "32 is still growing up now." This is so ridiculous.
10:08: "Who you are is not who you've been, you're still an innocent." What? How does this relate to Kanye? I'm confused. This is super dramatic, you guys.
10:07Oh, dear. Here comes Taylor Swift's Kanye song. My dog just growled. I'm with you, dog.
10:06: Gaga is in her second outfit of the evening, which is "too heavy to walk in." "God bless pop music and God bless MTV."
10:04: The cast of Glee is now on stage to present the award for Best Pop Video, which goes to: Lady Gaga, "Bad Romance."
10:01: How are you guys doing out there? You made it through the first hour!
9:58: Taylor's "personal song" is on the way. Also, in 90 seconds, we'll find out how people in Twitter are talking about Rihanna! OMG!!!!
9:57: And Travie McCoy has to follow Florence with his song about wanting to be a billionaire. Good luck with that!
9:54: Best performance of the night so far, right? So good.
9:53: I can't believe it took nearly an hour for a Twilight (Ashley Greene)person to show up. Jared Leto is back, as well. They're both on stage to introduce Florence and the Machine, and Florence might be the first person all night who is actually singing.
Justin Timberlake's expression from earlier this evening has been my expression for most of the night.
9:45: And the award for Best Male Video goes to: Eminem, "Not Afraid." And he's not even there! He had to leave and go perform with Jay-Z. Katy Perry just tried to be funny, I think?
9:44: Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj, described by Handler as "boobilicious and assilicious" (ugh) are on stage to present the award for Best Male Video. I'm pretty sure Katy Perry is wearing a figure skating costume.
9:43 The camera work/editing on this show is totally screwed up—it looks like nobody knows what's going on.
9:40: Usher is now performing on a stage that looks like a laser spirograph. He wants to love you and dance with you at the club, which is pretty much what he wants to do in every Usher song ever.
Ke$ha was unfortunately attacked by a Claire's before the show began. Let's all hope she recovers.
9:38 Ke$ha and Trey Songz are now on the stage, awkwardly reading lines and introducing Usher.
9:33: Seeing these commercials for The Social Network just reminds me that my generation's pop star Justin hasn't put out an album in 4 years.
9:31: Uh-oh! Bieber drum solo!
9:30: I'm sorry dudes, regardless of how you feel about the Biebs, you must admit that this is a solid pop song.
9:28: Justin Bieber's on stage with the glee club from Rydell High, I think.
9:28: I literally LOL'ed at "Fashion icon, Kim Kardashian."
9:27: The mic isn't working, which somehow makes Jared Leto look even more ridiculous than he already does. How did Jordan Catalano end up with Ryan Seacrest's hairdo?
9:24: The Jackass boys are on stage to present Best Rock Video, which goes to: 30 Seconds To Mars, "Kings And Queens."
9:17: Who do you guys think should host this show next year? My picks: Amy Poehler, Joel McHale, Mindy Kaling.
9:16: Gaga thanks her "little monsters," the discharged soldiers that joined her this evening, Alexander McQueen, and "all the gays for remaking this video over and over again."
9:14 And the award for Best Female Video goes to: Lady Gaga, "Bad Romance."
9:10 Handler also says she's the first female host of the show in 16 years. Didn't Sarah Silverman host the show like, 3 years ago?
9:09: Handler on Snoop Dogg in a prayer circle: "Angry black man, what a surprise." Oh, casual racism! You are hilarious!
9:08: I'd tell you to drink every time Chelsea Handler made a joke about being a drunk, but you'd be wasted within the next four minutes.
9:05: Yikes...Lindsay Lohan is making her "comeback" with a really awkward set of rehab jokes during Chelsea Handler's intro. "Do you think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me, they don't!" Woof.
9:01: Eminem continues his decade-long streak of appearing on MTV shows wearing hoodies. Rihanna, in a "surprise" appearance, shows up with Joan Holloway-red locks and a Madonna-circa Like A Virgin bridal/ballerina get-up. The cameraman doesn't seem entirely sure of how to shoot the set, though as my boyfriend notes, "I bet it looks pretty cool in person."
9:00: ....And we're off! Thanks for hanging out with me this evening.