Cosmo Wants You To Own An Orgasm This OctoberS

Here's the deal, Neil: I haven't read the October issue of Cosmopolitan, but I have seen the cover, and frankly, I'm concerned. Concerned, I say!

There's a classic episode (they're all classic, save for the Tori years, but I digress) of Saved by the Bell wherein Screech attempts to woo the ladies at a Palm Springs hotel (the gang is there for Jessie's father's wedding, naturally) by reading a book called Everything You Need To Know About Girls. The book is really dumb and never works. Cosmo is the ladies' version of that book. And it smells like the perfume counter at Macy's had sex with a cardboard box. Which is totally sexy, and, I believe, a move from the CosmoSutra titled "SpritzBoxing."

In any case, it's never surprising when Cosmopolitan's covers scream desperation and ridiculousness, but this month strikes me as particularly egregious. Not only do you have to win someone over in 3 minutes, but you also have to read an article to see if he's "the one" (hint: if you have to read an article to find out, he's not), find out "how to check" if your dude is STD-free (answer: ASK), figure out what part of you he's "craving" (creep a tron!) and, perhaps worst of all, you have to own his orgasm. In this economy? Get a clue, Nancy Drew!

All I'm saying is that it's a recession, and if you're going to go out and own someone's orgasm, you need to be financially and emotionally prepared. You can't just waltz into the His Orgasm store and drop your Visa down and say, "That one, Todd's," without doing a little research first. What if his orgasm needs to be walked three times a day? What if it's not apartment friendly? What if you're allergic to his orgasm? What if his orgasm starts getting on your nerves, or goes out of fashion, or starts trying to hump your friend's leg every time she comes over? That would be dreadful. And you can't just take an orgasm back. They're non-refundable. And frankly, lady friend, if you're going to own anyone's orgasm, it should be yours. I'm no Suze Orman, but I'd say it's a pretty good investment. You might even be able to win yourself over in 3 minutes.

Lauren Conrad Is Our October Cover Girl! [Cosmopolitan]