Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we "read" the celebrity weeklies so you don't "have" to. Thank Zeus Hilary Duff got married, or all we'd have to talk about would be Kardashian asses and Tom Cruise's SNEELS.
"Sisters At War!"
Everything you "need" to know is in the short story on the cover: Kim's known for her slammin' body, but now Kourtney has lost her "baby weight" and blah blah blah. This hateful concoction of an "article" includes a sister to sister butt comparison (see image 7). And in a sidebar, we learn that Lamar really wants to have a baby with Khloe, but she's never been this skinny in her life, and she's afraid of losing her figure. Moving on: LeAnn Rimes is "desperate" to have a baby with Eddie Cibrian, because she thinks it will bring them so much closer. The cover blares, "Angelina's Sex Scandal," but inside the "scandal" is that Angie and Brad barely ever have sex anymore. They have six kids, so surprise, surprise. Next: So you know how Charlie Sheen got a plea deal — rehab at Promises counted as time served? An insider claims that Charlie manipulated the Promises rehab program. He would alternate, spending one night at Promises and one night at home. Charlie would go out and party with escorts, then sleep at Promises! "They Stopped Loving Their Curves" is a four-page story; for each female celebrity, the magazine prints an old quote in which they embraced their bodies, and new quote allegedly about how things are better now. Although, with Christina Hendricks, her figure in the "before" and "after" images looks the same, and her quote is not about losing weight (see image 8). By the way, Javier Bardem has "packed on" a lot of weight and "pigged out" when he and Penelope Cruz were in Hawaii, where she was filming Pirates Of The Caribbean. Tatum O'Neal has been spotted wearing Farrah Fawcett's heavy leather jacket and boots around town, even when it's hot. Lastly: Michaele Salahi says: "I'm not anorexic." And: "I'm a skinny girl, I always was." For breakfast she has hot chocolate, cereal and fruit; then she eats an early dinner of salad with grilled chicken. Oh, and there's this: "I would love to do a whole lot of Botox, and maybe get collagen, too. I also think it would be great to have boobs. I am a B cup, so I'd get a C. I'm all for anything you can do to make yourself look and feel better." She might be getting some stuff done in the next six months. You've been warned.
Grade: F (paparazzi at your deathbed)