The Erotic GOP Fanfic Library

Because, well, what if Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber just happened to find themselves alone one night...

We're going back a ways on this one — to the campaign trail — but no discussion of the state of contemporary fanfic would be complete without a little from the Palin genre. And this, from outfoxingkarlrove, is a modern classic.

"Did somebody call for a plumber?"

"Oh gosh, Joe" exclaimed a startled Sarah. "I didn't hear you there. I was so busy reading the press and the media. You know, all of them."

"Permission to come aboard the Straight Talk Express?"

"Granted!" she cried, nasally.

The unlicensed Plumber, his plunger erect, boarded the bus and slid into a seat next to the unindicted Governor.

"I don't know about you, but my polls sure could use a bump," he whispered into her ear.

"For sure," purred the Governor, sliding off her $800 spectacles. "Whaddayasay this time, we play ‘Obama and Ayers'?"

"That's not working so great anymore. How about ‘Obama and Khalidi'?"

"Ooh, go on," said the Governor, undoing her Valentino blouse, $2,000 button by $2,000 button.

As the Plumber explores her North Slopes, the Governor ran her manicured fingernails across his manly small-town chest, tracing the embroidered name on his uniform: "SAM."

"Good golly, Joe, I haven't felt muscles like these since that moose I shot, skinned, gutted, and dressed–while giving birth to Piper. Or was it Track?"

As the Governor donated the rest of her clothing to charity, the Plumber covered her in kisses, striving to keep her red places red. But just as she reached down to touch his ever-growing capital gains, there was a cry from outside.

"Mom! Mooom!!!!"

"Aw heck," muttered the Governor. "What do you want, Bristol?"

"My water broke and my contractions are 5 minutes apart. Are you sure I should be taking a campaign bus tour across Pennsylvania?"

"You'll do it and Florida, too, young lady!" barked the Governor. "Now fly back to Alaska and get ready."

The Governor turned back to the Plumber, who was ready to fill her pipeline.

"Come on, baby," he moaned. "Wave your white flag of surrender."

"Oh yes, Joe, yes! My gosh," she exhaled in ecstasy, "I think I can see Russia."

But suddenly, their preconditioned negotiations were interrupted by an angry voice.

"What the hell is this?"

The two of them shot up, decoupling.

"John!"

"Senator!"

"Porking… on my own campaign bus… when we're down so many points in Ohio…" the Senator hyperventilated, staggering around, clutching his heart. He dropped to the floor, murmuring his last words, "My friends…"

The Governor gazed in horror at the man before her, lying in a very un-pro-Life position.

"Oh doggone it," she exclaimed. "What the heck do I do now?"