Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where love is in the air — as well as bisexuality, Ecstasy, cheating, nannies, nose jobs and schwaggy weed smoke.
"Jen's Stealing Brad Back!"
First let's address the yellow circle on the cover. If you were a shopper sweeping past a checkout counter, you might grab this mag thinking it's a steal at 99¢. But the copy actually reads "Special! 99 New Photos!" So many photos, two exclamation points are required! Since the issue is only 80 pages, that's a LOT of pictures, in a way. But people. Please. Do NOT pay $3.99 for this magazine. Here's what's inside: It would have been Brad and Jen's 10th wedding anniversary on July 29, and "insiders" say Jen is looking to get "even closer" to Brad with late-night phone calls and gifts and whatnot. Oh, look, an offensive quote: "There's a huge part of Jen that would love to do what Angelina Jolie did to her and steal Brad back. What woman wouldn't?" ALL WOMEN ARE SCHEMING TO TAKE YOUR MAN! Brad has been "one of her main confidants" as Jen "prepares to have a baby." As promised on the cover, there are indeed five "sizzling" pictures of Brad and Jen… One each from 1998, 1999, 2000, 2004 and 2005. Moving on: Sara Rue got engaged and then lost 50 lbs; now wants a big wedding dress. Last but not least, "What I Ate Today," by The Situation: He has a protein shake when he wakes up. "I have cereal before I leave. When I get to work, I have yogurt and a banana." Then for a snack, "I have a protein shake before I work out, and another one after I work out." Lunch: Chicken salad sandwich, a pickle, and tomato salad. Dinner: Steak and broccoli.
Grade: F (huffing gasoline)
"Why He's The One"
Here's why Ali and Roberto are meant together: "Ali seems like a laid-back, flip-flops kind of girl, which is right up Roberto's alley." Also, they're both exciting and adventurous. Yawn. She's starting wedding planning with ABC "right away," as the network wants "something big." Moving on: Amber from Teen Mom lost weight! She says: "I'm more comfortable in my skin." (see image 7)
Grade: F (smoking oregano)