Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

Miami's annual festival of spray-tan and spandex, otherwise known as swimwear fashion week, packed up its bronzers and stiletto sandals yesterday. While there were some pretty suits, there was also a whole lotta fug.

Like this outfit from Beach Bunny Swimwear, which combines the guarantee of odd tanlines with the classiness of stay-up lace-topped thigh-highs.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

It's like a pair of tights had a fight with a push-up bra set in the laundry.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

Mara Hoffman, who specializes in beautiful, original psychedelic prints and 70s silhouettes, showed some gorgeous, if slightly strangely cut, suits.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

And several distinctive kaftans.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

But alas, even Hoffman's taste was not unassailable.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

If you would like to dress up as Ginger Spice in 1997 for Halloween, Red Carter's got your number.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

But otherwise? Gucci-era Tom Ford called, and he wants his ideas back.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

What is very strange indeed is that Ed Hardy by Christian Audigier showed some swimsuits that are actually, unusually, miraculously, unhorrible. You'd hardly even notice this young lady has a skull on her crotch unless you got really close. Hating Ed Hardy is my safe place! I never imagined they could take that from me.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

Luckily, the attack of relative tastefulness was short-lived.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

I posit that Lisa Blue watched Avatar shortly before designing this collection.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

And further, that she recently paid a visit to the Uffizi and happened to catch Alexander McQueen's art-historical fashion collection of this March.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

Crystal Jin's got the right idea with this faux-wrap one-piece. If only it fit the model a little better.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

Marysia's maillots were fetching and understated. However, the rear view of that bikini reveals the label didn't entirely avoid the pitfalls of the vintage-style swimwear theme.

Swimwear Week's Most Brilliant And Unfortunate StylesS

Swimsuits are industry favorites because they allow labels to charge obscene markups on tiny pieces of fabric, and people often buy new ones every year. Perhaps that's partly because, in a year, a faux-denim bikini with rick-rack trim is going to seem pretty stupid? Actually, scratch that. It looks pretty stupid already.