Salt, the Angelina-As-Sexy-Spy vehicle, opened last night at the fabled Grauman's Chinese Theatre. But how any of the stars managed to sit through a two-hour movie in dresses this tight is a question for the ages. Maybe they stand?

First things first. Per usual, Angelina Jolie was sleek...and in black. Just as you'd expect from a movie spy.


And what of Mr. Brang? Three-pieces, scruff, and a rather gratuitous expanse of chest, for the ever-desirable used-car-salesman look.


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Naomi Watts' frock may look like it's crafted from gilded rhino hide, but somehow she makes it look impeccable!


Mary Lynn Rajskub's like, This is me! And so what if my dress is wrinkled in that way that makes it look like it's pulling.


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Vail Bloom goes so straight-up Grecian she might as well be on Olympus, with a tumbler of ambrosia. (Or do you eat ambrosia with a spoon, like the orange-coconut concoction of the same name? Is that what the gods ate?)


If you're going to wear what is essentially an enormous bustier, you'd better have the coy, flirtatious thing down. Amber Heard's like, "on it."


Again, if Olya Zueva wants to stand through a movie in a bandage dress, that's really her choice.


Somewhere, my grandmother is smiling down at Sharon Case's matched belt and shoes.


Y'know what's slightly disconcerting? Realizing Gretchen Rossi is, like, your age. It's like looking back on old yearbooks and realizing that the seniors were actually just teenagers and not super-old adults. Kind of.


You know what else is disconcerting? This.

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