Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

Salt, the Angelina-As-Sexy-Spy vehicle, opened last night at the fabled Grauman's Chinese Theatre. But how any of the stars managed to sit through a two-hour movie in dresses this tight is a question for the ages. Maybe they stand?

Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

First things first. Per usual, Angelina Jolie was sleek...and in black. Just as you'd expect from a movie spy.


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

And what of Mr. Brang? Three-pieces, scruff, and a rather gratuitous expanse of chest, for the ever-desirable used-car-salesman look.


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

Naomi Watts' frock may look like it's crafted from gilded rhino hide, but somehow she makes it look impeccable!


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

Mary Lynn Rajskub's like, This is me! And so what if my dress is wrinkled in that way that makes it look like it's pulling.


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

Vail Bloom goes so straight-up Grecian she might as well be on Olympus, with a tumbler of ambrosia. (Or do you eat ambrosia with a spoon, like the orange-coconut concoction of the same name? Is that what the gods ate?)


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

If you're going to wear what is essentially an enormous bustier, you'd better have the coy, flirtatious thing down. Amber Heard's like, "on it."


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

Again, if Olya Zueva wants to stand through a movie in a bandage dress, that's really her choice.


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

Somewhere, my grandmother is smiling down at Sharon Case's matched belt and shoes.


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

Y'know what's slightly disconcerting? Realizing Gretchen Rossi is, like, your age. It's like looking back on old yearbooks and realizing that the seniors were actually just teenagers and not super-old adults. Kind of.


Very Tight Dresses Premiere On The Salt Red CarpetS

You know what else is disconcerting? This.

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