This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we get cozy with In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week: Lindsay's suicidal, Bristol's engaged, Aniston's a mom and Kim's hot.

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

Ok!
"Jen's A Mom!"
Courtney Cox throws these elaborate kids' parties, and she had one for her friend Chris Gartin — whom Jennifer Aniston is rumored to be dating. Jen was painting a teapot with the kids and "insiders" were all, "she's so comfortable!" Apparently Jen has always been good with kids, and she has been calling Chris's kids on the phone and buying them presents. Which, according to this mag, makes her a mom. Also, the answer to the question "Is Chris is the new Brad?" (see image 7) is: No. Moving on: Page 48 predicts that Penelope Cruz will get married later this summer in Spain — guess the editors didn't know she already got hitched in the Bahamas earlier this month. Lastly: Danielle Staub reveals what she ate today: Breakfast was a bagel. For a snack, she had almonds and a venti white chocolate peppermint mocha. For lunch, she had a grilled chicken wrap. For dinner? A grilled chicken salad with snow peas and mandarin oranges.
Grade: F (secret kid)

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

Life & Style
"Hot New Body: Kim's Revenge."
Guess what? Kim's "revenge" body and "breakup body" are the same body she's always had. And this cover story in which she and Reggie Bush are trying to make each other jealous by showing off their new dates is soooo dumb and boring. We decided not to get sucked into the vortex of stupid. Moving. On. Justin Bieber is saving himself for "the one." And thinking about his virginity makes us feel squicky.
Grade: F (secret marriage)

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

In Touch
"How They Tricked Her."
Everything you need to know is right here on the cover: "Frank's hiding a secret girlfriend from Ali and Roberto's leading a double life." Quote: "He disappeared on me," his ex reveals. "I thought he was dead." Moving on!!! Brad is mad at Jon Voight for writing something about Obama in the paper. So Angelina is pissed at Brad for not wanting her dad to attend the twins' birthday party. There's some other stuff about how Brad wants to visit his sister in Missouri, who just adopted a kid from Ethiopia, but Angelina doesn't want to go, and the story is an incoherent mess of words that boil down to: Angie's a bitch because she doesn't want to visit a sick kid. In an interview with Dina Lohan, when asked about Lindsay, she says: "I don't want to speak hypothetically [about jail] because she's not going to be in that situation." Denial! Dina says the other kids are getting made fun of at school and sighs, "It's not easy being us." She insists that Lindsay is sober and says "technically" she's allowed to drink. Well, not technically! Dina also claims that Lindsay is claustrophobic, so is scared of jail. And Dina proclaims: "Jail doesn't help anyone, no matter what problem you have — unless you're a rapist or a murderer." Do these people actually not know that jail does not exist to HELP? It's a PUNISHMENT. Gah. When asked, "What are Lindsay's goals for future?" Dina said: "Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here in LA and a couple across the country, to help other kids and celebs so they don't fall through the cracks in this town." Okay! Next: "Being skinny doesn't stop cellulite!" As proof, there are four pages of celebrity thighs and asses in a piece called "Cellulite At Every Size." The mag notes that 95% of the female population has cellulite AND YET there are arrows pointing to Tori Spelling, Hayden Panaetierre and Beyoncé's bodies. The "cure" to this problem: Photoshop! (see image 8 and image 9). Brody Jenner wants the follow up to The Hills to be a reality show about him and Avril Lavigne. Teresa from RHONJ gives us another tour of her gaudy house, but since we've already seen it on TV and in a magazine before, she must be doing it for the cash. Last, but not least, the most interesting thing in the whole mag: Sneakerpants! (See image 10.)
Grade: D (secret girlfriend)

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

Us
"We're Getting Married."
So Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston talked to the mag in a savvy ploy masterminded by Sarah Palin! Inside, Levi, Bristol, and their blonde baby, Tripp, are all wearing virginal white. Basically, three months ago, Bristol and Levi met up to talk about custody stuff and ended up taking Tripp for a walk. Levi says: "For the whole walk, she made fun of my straight-legged jeans, and my hair. It was nice." The next day, they started hanging out, and they have been "literally" hanging out every day since. Bristol says: "Two weeks ago, I came home from work, and there were rose petals in the shape of a heart all over my bed. With a box in the middle. I was like, 'Oh babe, thanks.' I didn't notice the box. Then he got down on one knee." Bristol adds: "I haven't worn the ring, because it's too big." And: "It felt good to know that we're all going to be a family, that Tripp is going to have a mother and a father." These two kids met and started flirting in 7th grade, when their lockers "were right next to each other." Levi says it's been a month and a half since he's spoken to Sarah and Todd Palin. Bristol had texted her mom, saying she wanted to be a family with Levi. Then Levi went over to the house.

Bristol: Did you tell them that you love me?
Levi: Yeah.
Bristol: Really? What'd you say?
Levi: "I love Bristol, blah blah blah."

Oh! And about the wedding: "We want an outdoor wedding in Alaska. It will be a Christian ceremony, and we'll definitely incorporate camouflage… I always wanted Levi to wear a camouflage vest." The mag adds: "Johnston hopes to pair it with a Hugo Boss suit." Bristol wants to wear the red Carolina Hererra dress she wore in Harper's Bazaar, but in white. Man, we're hoping these crazy kids make it! Moving on: Drew Barrymore is dating ABC executive Court Cass; they've been out six times or so. Blake Lively and Leighton Meester are in a rivalry — Leighton gets left out of wardrobe discussions, and only Blake was invited to a Lagerfeld event in Paris. Finally: Kate Gosselin's beauty regimen is intense: Tanning three times a week; fitness twice a day; Botox every three months; hair salon once a month; beauty shopping every two weeks; and nail salon once a week. And then eight kids to take care of!
Grade: B+ (secret engagement)

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

Star
"Lindsay Suicide Drama."
After Lindsay Lohan came home from court, according to an "insider," she just kept repeating, "I can't go to jail, I'll kill myself first." She's mentally unstable and "getting worse," sources say. And: "She ran around breaking mirrors, cutting herself and rambling like a lunatic. She tore her house apart before she finally just broke down. Now everyone is worried sick about her." Now she's on 24/7 suicide watch, says an insider. "It's so bad. She just isn't doing well with this." And: "Lindsay's problems are vast and complex. She has self-image issues, an eating disorder, drug issues. She is an alcohol abuser, a sex addict and a love addict." You left out hoarding! Moving on: In Knifestyles Of The Rich & Famous, we learn that Danielle Staub has had "too much filler," according to a surgeon who does not treat her (see image 11). Blind item: "This big screen leading man is dating one of the most beautiful women in the world — and having an affair with a male hairstylist at the same time. Insiders say the gorgeous gal knows all about it — she's posing as his lover to advance his career." Who is it?!?!? Leonardo DiCaprio? Orlando Bloom? George Clooney??? Bethenny Frankel claims that her childhood was horrible and her mother was toxic, but her mom, Bernadette Birk spoke to Star and says: "I'm not going to say Bethenny had the perfect childhood. I had loved Bobby, but he hit me, so I left him and took Bethenny back to New York when she was 2 years old. She had a mother and stepfather who loved her… John and I did our best to make her happy." And: "I never had an eating disorder." LASTLY OMG: Zahara and Shiloh have a crush on Johnny Depp! While their mom was filming The Tourist with him, he played guitar, told stories and sang for the kids. The girls wrote letters to Johnny — with red crayon hearts all over them — and Angie thought that was really cute, and mailed them to Johnny. As the kids say, squee!
Grade: B (secret crush)

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

From Ok!

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

From In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

From In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

From In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Lindsay's On Suicide WatchS

From Star