This week the tabs share lurid details from stars' sex lives: Joel cheats on Nicole with a "mystery blond," Kendra describes group sex with Hef, and Jake Pavelka has a penchant for hiding in dark closets...while praying.
"How I Lost 10 lbs In 10 Days!"
What we have here is a six-page story based on a photo of Kate Gosselin running. She likes to listen to an MP3 player! There's no interview with Kate, BTW. But a doctor who does not treat her says she "appears" to have lost 10 pounds in 10 days. Moving on: Jon Gosselin generally dates younger women, according to an insider, "because he's young at heart." In Suri Cruise news, Tom is a "real stage father" when she does little shows at home, and makes her put expression in her lines. Suri saw The Karate Kid and told her dad he oughta put her in a movie like that. Also, Suri is obsessed with Mary Poppins, and wants a nanny like that. Allegedly, hundreds of nannies have applied. British accent is a must. Last week, In Touch had a spread called The Case Of The Missing Curves, and this week Ok! has "What Happened To Scarlett's Cleavage, which is very similar. ScarJo was on the second page of last week's In Touch spread, which we didn't scan, but believe us when we say: Been there, seen that. Yawn.
Grade: F (Left at the altar.)
Life & Style
So much wedding dramz. Ok! called it A Wedding Just Like Diana's; Star said it was The$40 Million Wedding Of The Century, and now this mag calls it "The $20 Billion Wedding." You see, Prince William will be worth billions when he's older. But the wedding itself will not be a $20 billion affair. But we did learn that once Kate and William marry, the queen will give them a palace and Kate her own Audi — the car manufacturer of choice for the royal family — and her own driver. William is worth $42 million, but he'll have a larger fortune when he becomes king, inheriting the crown jewels, the royal art collection and properties. Even though these kids aren't engaged, a royal watcher says, "the Queen wants a wedding and she knows how to throw a party!" Moving on: If you are interested in a four-page wedding diary from CSI: Miami's Eva La Rue, you'll find one here. Oh! On page 26, Katy Perry's name is spelled two different ways, one of them incorrect. (see image 7) Glee's Matthew Morrison has dated four women in the last three weeks! (see image 8) Justin Bieber has a secret girlfriend. Her name is Caitlin, and she's actually his ex, but they were in the Bahamas together recently, and she Tweeted, "what happens in the Bahamas stays in the Bahamas." Scandalous! Katie Holmes has "taken control" and now has Tom "wrapped around her finger." We suspect this story was planted by their publicist to counteract all of the ZOMG Scientology is killing her rumors, but we can't prove it! In "What Your Handbag Reveals About You," we learn that a studded bag means you're guarded and a clutch says you're romantic. Finally: The 1983 Hollywood Yearbook features a cute Ben Stiller and a very different-looking Pam Anderson (see image 9).
Grade: D- (Breaking off your engagement.)
Bachelorette Dirty Secrets
Ali Fedotowsky used to hang out with sketchy people! She is dating some dude named Patrick, who was not on the show. And! There are some webcam pictures a former boyfriend claims are of her, stripping for him, but the head is cut off in the images so who knows. Moving on: Matthew Morrison of Glee is dating actress Kelly Brook. Kristen Stewart is "desperate to keep Rob." She feels threatened because he's been having "secret dinners" with Anna Kendrick — the chick from Up In The Air — with whom he hooked up before he was with Kristen. And Kristen is also jealous of all the time Rob spends with Reese Witherspoon, his Water For Elephants costar. Next: Teresa Guidice proclaims: "I'm One Hot Mama." This is proven through four pages of swimsuit photos we declined to scan. Teresa also says she ate a lot when she was pregnant because "It's an Italian thing. They say if you see something and don't eat it, your baby will get a birthmark." It's science! Nicole and Joel's wedding is in jeopardy, because Nicole suspects that Joel is cheating on her with a "mystery blond." As mentioned in Dirt Bag, Britney's former bodyguard claims he had to stop Britney from harming her kids on more than one occasion — she beat one of her sons with a belt, and tried to feed both boys shellfish, though they are allergic. In L.A. recently, Brad and Angie had a "huge fight in the car" over a sex scene in Brad's new movie, Moneyball. She's also not happy about how much time Brad is spending with his costar, Robin Wright. Botox overload? Some doctor who doesn't treat Cameron Diaz thinks she may have gone too far (see image 10). Last, but not least: Harry Trotter. (see image 11)
Grade: D (Losing your engagement ring.)
What Ali's Hiding
We didn't want to read this story, but we did. Apparently Robert Martinez, the "front runner" on The Bachelorette, and Ali Fedotowsky are like, so on. There will be a proposal in Bora Bora on August 2nd and she will accept! Ali and Robert actually knew each other before the show — since 2002! A source says: "Ali doesn't pick the guys — perhaps a producer set it up." Moving on: Ever notice how this celeb looks like that celeb? (see image 12). We heard that January Jones and Bobby Flay were having a thing, but apparently January is dating Adrien Brody, and he's really into her. Sandra Bullock's divorce from Jesse James is final, but sources say they're still talking — multiple times a day — and she still has love for him. She always planned for him to be in Louis's life, and "despite everything, he's still a good dad." Jessica Simpson tweeted about her vegan diet and cupping and so on, but then clarified that she wanted to detox for her health — and it wasn't about losing weight. But the magazine says she's been hitting the gym for 45 minute workouts 3 to 5 days a week, and an "insider" says: "Don't believe a word Jessica says. She's desperate to lose the weight." Finally: True Blood's hot new wolf is hot. He has an eight pack. (see image 13)
Grade: D (Jilted on reality dating show.)
Jake's Web Of LIES!
This is the best Bachelor story in the tabs this week! First: The mag interviewed this dude named Juan Barbieri, who was a castmate of Jake's on The Bachelorette. He says, "I liked him a lot." A source claims that Juan took Jake out for a night out at his favorite gay bar in West Hollywood! A "witness" says Juan and Jake were "very intimate" leaning close together and ignoring everyone else while at the bar. But Juan says he's not gay and that he's never been to the bar, but multiple sources confirm he's a regular. An insider says that at the Bachelor reunion show, Jake got so upset with Vienna that he jumped out of his chair, pulled back his fist and lunged at her. Jake's ex, Tanya, says he did the same thing to her that he did to Vienna — they had sex, and then he told her that he wanted to stop having sex for religious reasons. But they'd go out with his male friend and Jake would get really giddy. He told Tanya that he was "confused." Tanya also says that Jake liked to lock himself in the closet and pray in the dark. Ha! Moving on: Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner went to a club in LA, and Avril had a tantrum when she thought some girl was flirting with Brody. He had to pick Avril up and carry her out of the club. Blind item! "Which eccentric comic had 'em rolling in the aisles — at an AA meeting in NYC? He stepped up to the mic to talk about his recovery and ended up doing a standup routine." Next: Kate Gosselin and David Spade had bad browlifts, according to doctors who've never met them, natch. Spade is now sporting, "What we call a Mr. Spock look." (Image 14) Kendra has a book coming out, and it reveals stuff like the fact that she lost her virginity at age 13, had a lesbian experience at age 15, and "would have sex just to have it" and stripped when she was 18. Then she talks about the first time she had sex with Hef: "With music blasting and porn playing, Kendra joined seven women in Hef's bed. 'One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him… for about a minute. I studied their every move. Then it was my turn… It was very weird."
Grade: D+ (Queen insists on planning your wedding.)
From Life & Style.
From Life & Style.
From Life & Style.
From In Touch.
From In Touch.