Welcome back to Midweek Madness. This week, the celebrity tabloids taught me and Margaret that if you see a man in the back of a chauffeured SUV, looking glum and sipping beer from a bottle, that man is Brad Pitt.
"A Wedding Just Like Diana's"
On May 26, Star magazine's cover story was chock full of details about the "wedding of the century" — Prince William and Kate Middleton's nuptials. Even though they are not engaged. The mag crowed that there would be salmon! And fruit! And guests like Elton John! Now OK! has imagined what the royal wedding will be like in an "exclusive royal special!" By the by, despite the words on the cover, you are not invited. We find it especially offensive that the mag attributes thoughts and dreams to a dead woman. The text reads, "Princess Diana often dreamt of the great man her son William would one day become — and the fairy-tale wedding she would create for him." And an insider claims: "Princess Diana talked about what she wanted her sons' weddings to be like even when she was pregnant with them." Wha??? More: "Diana imagined that she would treat her future daughter-in-law like her own daughter." So here's how Wills and Kate's wedding will be a "tribute" to Diana's: William will give Kate Diana's sapphire ring. There were rumors that they would get married in November to honor the queen's wedding anniversary, but now they will get married next summer, to honor the 30th anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Di's wedding. which took place July 29, 1981. Also! William and Kate will use Diana's fave song, "Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square" for their first dance, and Kate will carry white roses because that was Diana's fave flower. Oh, and Kate will wear a dress that is "soft eggshell white" like Diana's. (And like brides all over the world!) Check out this sidebar, "advice from Diana" from beyond the grave (see image 7). Carrie Underwood is having a "wedding war" with her fiancé: They're "battling" over the location, the guest list size, and whether or not they'll serve barbecue. Mmm. Ribs. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher do naked workouts together. Avril Lavigne is secretly engaged to Brody Jenner — even though she is still technically married to Deryck Whibley. Jessica Simpson is still infatuated with Billy Corgan, but she wants to have kids and he puts "his art" first. Angelina Jolie's birthday last Friday ended in tears! On the day before her birthday, witnesses say Brad Pitt was "lost in thought" as he spent hours drinking beer in the back of a chauffeur-driven SUV, riding aimlessly around L.A. Maybe he was trying to think of a good present for the woman with everything? A source says: "I don't think Angelina knew where he went, and that's probably why she got so mad. There was some speculation that he was hoping to see Jennifer Aniston." So he drove aimlessly around L.A. looking for her? The mag claims that when Brad got home, "a fierce argument erupted." Angie "burst into tears," says an insider, "and canceled plans to see Sesame Street Live. All the kids were looking forward to it." Sniffle!
Grade: F (beer in the back of an SUV)
"My Sex Tape Nightmare"
A month ago, this sex tape thing with Kendra was on the cover of Ok!, and apparently it is still "news." But she did an interview with Us because her memoir, Sliding Into Home, will hit stores July 6. Kendra sighs, "I'm 25 now, but I really feel like I'm 35. Old!" Cry me a river, sweetie. Kendra says she told Hank about the sex tape before they got married, and he was mad. But the story about her trying to have a baby to save her marriage is not true, and: "All my fans know I have an IUD. Come on." She adds: "You should have a baby out of love." The mag asks, "what would you say to fans who think that videotaping sex is harmless fun?" Kendra says: "I'm not going to sit here and be a saint and say don't do it. But I will say this: Be careful… If anything, I hope that my situation helps younger people." By the way, you know that Us and Kendra have a deal, right? The mag is hawking her workout DVD (see image 8). Moving on: Here are some things you didn't know about Lil' Jon! "I'm not always crunk and screaming." "Nicky Hilton is my homie. If we're in the same city, we party together." "I love my Snuggie. I want to get all of the colors, except for maybe leopard and pink." "I love green tea! I drink four cups a day." Next: Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow do not speak anymore! According to a source: "Gwyneth can be jealous and competitive." Audrina Patridge really wanted to do Dancing With The Stars and got close enough that her name was on a contract. But at the last minute, MTV refused to let her film the show. Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Lisa Ann Russell announced that they were getting divorced on June 3 — and she is already dating Jeff Probst. Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Discik may be moving to NYC; this piece begins: "Clad in a white blazer, burgundy pants, and suspenders, and seated in an ornate golden throne… Scott Disick presided over his 27th birthday festivities..." Scott wants to move to NY because he feels controlled by the Kardashians. Yawn.
Grade: D- (wine cooler in the back of a limo)
Can we talk about this cover? Why red dresses? And red carpet! And a red curtain! And Mariah seems… bigger… than Khloe, as though the images were not sized properly. Are the two of them supposed to be in the I Dream Of Jeannie bottle? Or is all the red supposed to represent the blood-rich amniotic environment of a womb? We need answers! Anyway. Mariah has not confirmed her pregnancy, but she performed and "couldn't hide" her baby bump. She wants a girl to "treat like a princess," according to an insider, and she is designing a Cinderella-themed nursery — pumpkin carriage crib, you guys! See image 9! As for Khloe: She's not pregnant. She says, "I don't know if I will be pregnant this summer, but you never know." Um, you never know? You sort of do, though. I mean. Khloe's taking pre-natal vitamins, which Lamar bought for her, and in case you want to have a pregnancy just like Khloe's, she is promoting GNC's Women's Pre-Natal Formula With Iron. Moving on: Brad Pitt visits a psychic named Ron Bard, and Ron talked to the mag! Ron says that Brad first visited him while he was filming Mr. & Mrs Smith. Not nearly dramatic enough for this mag, so some editor wrote: "Tormented by his attraction to Angie and torn over what to do, he begged the psychic for advice." Ron says: "Yes, Brad has come to me for a reading. I know him both personally and through my business. He is very, very spiritual." And: "I'm between a rock and a hard place. I can't break my confidentiality. It wouldn't be fair to spread details of any readings I do, and that includes Brad's. All I can say is that personally and spiritually, he is at the top." Wait, so he's not chugging beer and desperately searching for Jennifer Aniston in the streets of L.A.? In a sidebar, three psychics talk about what the future holds for Brad: A breakup in 2013!! (see image 10) In an advice column, child stars Corey Feldman and Paul Peterson — who used to be on The Donna Reed Show — dis Kate Gosselin for putting her kids on TV. Corey says he looks at it "like child prostitution." And Paul says: "Just imagine when one of these girls is 13 and a classmate confronts her with a video on her cellphone of her potty training." Next: While filming The Hills, the producers were pushing Kristin Cavallari to kiss some guy at a bar to make Brody Jenner jealous. When she leaned in for a kiss, the random dude said he didn't mind kissing her for TV, but that she should know: He's gay. Kristin realized she was being set up, threw a fit and yelled at the producers, saying she's sick of being made to look like an idiot. Kelly Rowland and Beyoncé are feuding, because Kelly has reunited with LaToya Luckett, and Beyoncé feels like "it's a smack in the face." Ok, sure. The last sentence in the piece is: "We can't wait to see whom Kelly picks as her new bestie." Is this 4th grade? Also: We are not exactly on the edge of our seats wondering who Kelly Rolwand's new BFF is. The A-Rod "catfight" has "exploded": Cameron Diaz thinks Kate Hudson is a total psycho — while a friend of Kate says Kate thinks Cameron is "old and desperate." The ladies are also feuding over Rachel Zoe. RZ has worked with Cammie for years, but approached KHud and now Rachel is the stylist for both ladies. THE HORROR. Here's a quote from Kendra, on why her new book is called Sliding Into Home: "First base was my childhood, how I grew up. Second base is my rough years as a teenager. Third base was the Playboy mansion and the Hugh Hefner days. Sliding into home is me being married with our baby and me being home." Ok, we were thinking it had something to do with making out and fingering, so that's good. Next: Bethenny Frankel regrets her first marriage to some dude named Peter Sussman when she was in her early 20s; they were best friends for 5 years but only stayed married for 8 months. Finally: Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox never age! But we do spy a subtle nose job! (see 11)
Grade: D (grape soda in the back of a pick-up)
Sandra Bullock was "Fooled By His Lies" a couple of weeks ago, so "betrayed again" is starting to lose its potency. But according to this story, Sandy has "quietly put the brakes" on divorce proceedings. She's thinking about giving Jesse James another chance. Jesse's ex-wife Janine Lindemulder says: "He told me that if he doesn't get back together with Sandra, he's got a back-up plan with another girl in Austin." The mag calls Jesse a serial cheater, and Janine says: "I think Jesse gets off on that — the thrill of doing it right under her nose." We also learn that Jesse "still has a wandering eye," because he was seen talking to two women who walked their pitbull (his fave breed) past West Coast Choppers — "he took the opportunity to lean down and pet the dog." SCANDALOUS! Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian "used to be so close," but because of Kourtney's "obnoxious boyfriend," the sisters are "barely speaking." Bradley Cooper is "acting single" because he had the audacity to hug costar Jessica Biel on the red carpet. A source says Bradley thinks it's "boring" for him to go on and on about his girlfriend, Renee Zellweger. Plus, the studio doesn't want him to, anyway, because they're promoting him as the eyecandy in The A-Tearm. Breaking: Mini-implants are in! Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, Megan Fox, Hayden Panettiere and Kelly Rowland love 'em! (see image 12) Angelina's birthday last week was the first birthday she spent with both her dad and brother in eight years — and she has Brad to thank! He was pushing for Angie to be on speaking terms with dad for five years. Scarlett Johansson is planning on adopting a child from Ethiopia or Liberia. Nicole Kidman is playing "matchmaker" for Jennifer Aniston — apparently Nicole and Keith think Jen and John Mayer should get back together. Nicole is urging Jen to give John and his white supremacist dick another chance. Groan. Britney Spears wants to have a baby to keep Jason Trawick and "believes getting pregnant will fix her troubled relationship." She's stopped taking her meds and switched to less-potent drugs, and would like to be knocked up in the next six months. Allegedly. Lastly: Whitney Port is a 25-year-old woman with an insanely pretty (though floral) downtown Manhattan apartment featuring a leafy view, casement windows and "she has a walk-in closet, but uses the extra bedroom for her overflow." (see image 13 and image 14) Fuck. What does she do again? Giggle on TV? POOR PEOPLE IN MY APARTMENT ARE ANGRY RIGHT NOW.
Grade: D+ (gin & juice in the back of a Dadillac)
"Behind Angie's Back!"
Brad and Jen are both in L.A., and now that they're in the same city again, they have been emailing and texting each other. If you read as many tabloids as we do, you've been lead to believe that they NEVER stopped emailing and texting each other and even found a way to negotiate the time difference when he was in Italy, but whatever. At the end of May, Jen and Brad had a meeting at Brad's Plan B offices in Beverly Hills, "under the guise of talking about potential projects." A source says: "When she got to his offices, and saw him walking toward her, she said it took her breath away, and she was overwhelmed with emotion, but she held it together." Really? Even with the scragglebeard? Anyway, it goes on like this, as though it's been penned by a former telenovela writer: "Brad grabbed beers from the kitchen fridge and sat down close to Jen on a couch in the conference room." Says an insider: "They started talking about work and their travels, but things quickly got personal. She cracked a joke about how he had a lot more gray hair than the last time she saw him, and that really broke the ice." Wait, so who was in the conference room seeing them do this? The conference table? The speaker phone? "He had Jen in stitches, telling her how much of a tomboy his daughter Shiloh can be, and all the trouble she gets into. Once again, they talked about Jen becoming a parent herself. She was so touched when he told her what an amazing mom she would be." Wasn't he helping her adopt a little Mexican girl? These mags need to keep their storylines straight. The meeting ended with Jen inviting Brad to come over to her house for margaritas and to check out the remodeling she's done, since he's so into architecture. Jen's friend Sheryl Crow has adopted a baby, which has inspired Jen "into taking another look at making her own baby dreams come true." Sheryl told Jen: "Don't wait for a man to start a family." Moving on: Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are planning to adopt a child from Ethiopia or Ghana. An insider claims that Lindsay and Sam are reconciling; Sam believes that Lindsay is really trying to change her life. They've been hanging out! Blind item: It's not so simple with this celeb couple. They recently had a knock-down, drag-out fight after she learned that he and his brother were partying until dawn with a gaggle of gorgeous girls." COUGHNicoleandJoelCOUGH. Heidi Montag thought she was pregnant — she was feeling bloated and nauseated — but she took a test and it was negative. Surely she will find a way to get knocked up so she can be on the cover of some mag with a sad face and a SINGLE MOM! headline. Britney Spears has been betrayed by Jason Trawick, because he's been cheating on her for years with some chick named Jessica Steindorf. Who is Jessica Steindorf? The editors must have looked her up on Facebook, because they tell us she is a "fan of sandy beach hair, riding my horses and kisses." She was Jason's personal assistant when he worked at William Morris, but she left to write a Sopranos-themed adaptation of The Art Of War by Sun Tzu. No, really. Jason told Jessica that his relationship with Britney was a "public sham." Jason sent Jessica an email telling her to get tested for STDs but then wrote that "it was ingrown hairs." Barf. Tipper and Al Gore broke up because she thinks he is cheating on her. RHONY's Sonja Morgan was recently arrested for DWI in the Hamptons, but says she is going to take taxis now, so it won't happen again. On the police report, her occupation was "Real Housewife." The kids from Glee are trying to organize a strike, because they want to work no more than 12 hours a day for season 2. Plus, their contract has them locked into making only $20,000 an episode until 2012, which means those talented peeps make less per episode than WHITNEY PORT. God. There are five pages of "Scary Skinny Or Just Right?" in which we learn that Megan Fox and Paris Hilton are just right, but Miranda Kerr and Kelly Bensimon are scary skinny. Finally: The Star Time Machine! Kelly McGillis has an appropriate look for a woman of 52, but next to the Xenu-style preservation that Tom Cruise is rockin', it's weird. (see image 15)
Grade: C- (champagne in the back of a Maybach)
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