The world premiere of Iron Man 2, at Hollywood's El Capitan Theatre, was so chock-a-block with strange shoes and sexyface and shiny, unhappy dresses and short-shorts that we're as exhausted as if we'd been clomping around in an iron suit.

First of all: Scarlett looks pretty amazing.


I really don't understand what's going on with shoes these days. Call me old-fashioned, but why do we want booties that foreshorten one's legs to point that we need to wear short-short suits to balance them and, even if we're as leggy as Gwyneth Paltrow (which "we're" not) get chopped into horizontal color-blocks?


Advertisement

Exhibit B: Kelly Lynch. And while we're at it: the horizontal-stripe trend. Hey, I saw Coco Avant Chanel. We all want to be some Seberg-esque gamine in a boxy sailor-stripe. But if wishes were trees, the trees would be falling.


Oh, and that's also true of all these gladiators and ankle straps! (See Katie Cleary.) It's like a conspiracy against short women!


Sponsored

That said, I kinda get where Michelle Monaghan is coming from here...if you're distracted by the shoes, you can't look at the dress. And vice-versa. It's like having In the Land of Women on one channel, and 40 Days and 40 Nights on another.


Courtney Hansen is plying the same logic, although in her case the movies would appear to be Scruples on Lifetime and then, just one channel away in NYC, a Shirley Temple marathon on TCM!


The shoe alternative, as modeled by Shar Jackson, is these weird platforms that make everyone look like a Medieval nobleman navigating a street full of animals and human refuse.


Leslie Bibb's so scared of all that filth and all those petitioning courtiers that she's also worn an extra-short dress. (One presumes she's sniffing a pomander, too.)


Normally, it's unwise to apportion blame without knowing all the facts of a case. But I think we can lay the blame for Jasmine Dustin's getup squarely at Rachel Zoe's door.


It is a curious but well-documented fact that silk charmeuse, in captivity, is the natural partner of the Sexyface. See: Jennifer Grey.


And Anya Monzikova.


Samuel L. Jackson? Just has to laugh.


[Images via Getty.]