Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

The world premiere of Iron Man 2, at Hollywood's El Capitan Theatre, was so chock-a-block with strange shoes and sexyface and shiny, unhappy dresses and short-shorts that we're as exhausted as if we'd been clomping around in an iron suit.

Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

First of all: Scarlett looks pretty amazing.


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

I really don't understand what's going on with shoes these days. Call me old-fashioned, but why do we want booties that foreshorten one's legs to point that we need to wear short-short suits to balance them and, even if we're as leggy as Gwyneth Paltrow (which "we're" not) get chopped into horizontal color-blocks?


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

Exhibit B: Kelly Lynch. And while we're at it: the horizontal-stripe trend. Hey, I saw Coco Avant Chanel. We all want to be some Seberg-esque gamine in a boxy sailor-stripe. But if wishes were trees, the trees would be falling.


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

Oh, and that's also true of all these gladiators and ankle straps! (See Katie Cleary.) It's like a conspiracy against short women!


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

That said, I kinda get where Michelle Monaghan is coming from here...if you're distracted by the shoes, you can't look at the dress. And vice-versa. It's like having In the Land of Women on one channel, and 40 Days and 40 Nights on another.


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

Courtney Hansen is plying the same logic, although in her case the movies would appear to be Scruples on Lifetime and then, just one channel away in NYC, a Shirley Temple marathon on TCM!


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

The shoe alternative, as modeled by Shar Jackson, is these weird platforms that make everyone look like a Medieval nobleman navigating a street full of animals and human refuse.


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

Leslie Bibb's so scared of all that filth and all those petitioning courtiers that she's also worn an extra-short dress. (One presumes she's sniffing a pomander, too.)


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

Normally, it's unwise to apportion blame without knowing all the facts of a case. But I think we can lay the blame for Jasmine Dustin's getup squarely at Rachel Zoe's door.


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

It is a curious but well-documented fact that silk charmeuse, in captivity, is the natural partner of the Sexyface. See: Jennifer Grey.


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

And Anya Monzikova.


Iron Man 2 Will Be Huge. The Premiere? Hugely Cringe-InducingS

Samuel L. Jackson? Just has to laugh.


[Images via Getty.]