Every Wednesday we subject ourselves to the horrifying tales within Star, Ok!, Us, In Touch and Life & Style. This week: A troubling account of Kim Kardashain's abusive marriage, Larry King's icky tongue, and J.Lo playing with her "flabby belly."
"Wedding For The Kids!"
This is the same story we have read numerous times about how the kids have convinced Brad and Angelina to get married. An insider says: "First it was Maddox, who begged his parents to tie the knot for years. Lately, Shiloh and Zahara had been chiming in, and Pax thinks it would be the coolest thing ever to be a ring bearer." Once, Brad made a joke, saying that he heard a TV reverend say that he and Angie were setting a bad example, living out of wedlock. But now he's "concerned" about the message he's sending the kids. Moving on: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are talking about eloping in Australia around Christmas, which would be a month after her 18th birthday. Finally: Kim Kardashian was seen kissing Portugese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo in Spain, and one of Reggie Bush's friends says it made him jealous. Also, Paris Hilton dated Ronaldo last year, and now that she's single again, she assumed they'd get back together. So Kim and Paris may have a duel at dawn or something. Yawn.
Grade: F (Dad's sleeping with your aunt)
"How I Did It!"
Jennifer Lopez is Us Magazine's "Style Icon Of The Decade." In the accompanying story, she talks a lot about her body after having twins:
"I remember my flabby belly hanging out right after I gave birth. I kind of laughed and said to Marc, 'Look baby, isn't this crazy?' I even played with it a little bit. I just didn't care. But then I look back at the pictures from this time, and I'm like, oh, God, I was fat. I was still heavy eight months out."
She is now "really proud" that she is back to her old size. in other news, Keanu Reeves has been "incredibly supportive" of Sandra Bullock throughout her drama — he "can't stand" to look at the motorcycle Jesse James once built for him, and wants to give it to charity or auction it off. Lastly: Jon Gosselin has a new girlfriend, who is forty-something and rich.
Grade: F (Mom's cheating with your little league coach)
Life & Style
"Kim's Dangerous New Love."
Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo and Kim Kardashian having been dating in Spain. They had a lunch date in Madrid, and after the meal, she went to his gated mansion, and a source says, "she spent the night." The mag asks, "So what does their three-day date mean?" This question goes unanswered, but Ronaldo, who does 3,000 sit-ups a day, is a playboy who loves to party. He's gone out with a lot of paid escorts, "like a lot of European men." Also, he earned $41.3 million last year. Next, a story tagged "Still Suffering" and titled "Sandra Meets The Other Women" is very misleading because Sandra ONCE met former West Coast Choppers employee Merliee Gerth, whom Jesse James allegedly slept with. The copy here reads: "There she was, sitting mere feet from the other woman, so close she'd be able to smell the perfume Merille may have been wearing — a scent that would have rubbed off all over Jesse during moments of passion." Barf. The piece titled "Will Kate Ever Have Sex Again?" informs us that the last time Kate Gosselin had sex was 15 months ago. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's mom are at peace now, despite past tension. Kourtney Kardashian lists the 10 steps she took to get her "bikini body," including working out and drinking smoothies. Lastly, one of our favorite, terrifying features: "Hollywood Kids All Grown Up" uses "high-tech age progression" to show what the children of Nicole Richie, Kendra Wilkinson, Jennifer Garner and Britney Spears will look like in about 20 years (image 7). Matthew McConaughey's kid will grow up to shun razors, apparently.
Grade: D- (Learning you'll be sporting a shaggy mullet at 23.)