Every Wednesday we subject ourselves to the horrifying tales within Star, Ok!, Us, In Touch and Life & Style. This week: A troubling account of Kim Kardashain's abusive marriage, Larry King's icky tongue, and J.Lo playing with her "flabby belly."
"Wedding For The Kids!"
This is the same story we have read numerous times about how the kids have convinced Brad and Angelina to get married. An insider says: "First it was Maddox, who begged his parents to tie the knot for years. Lately, Shiloh and Zahara had been chiming in, and Pax thinks it would be the coolest thing ever to be a ring bearer." Once, Brad made a joke, saying that he heard a TV reverend say that he and Angie were setting a bad example, living out of wedlock. But now he's "concerned" about the message he's sending the kids. Moving on: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are talking about eloping in Australia around Christmas, which would be a month after her 18th birthday. Finally: Kim Kardashian was seen kissing Portugese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo in Spain, and one of Reggie Bush's friends says it made him jealous. Also, Paris Hilton dated Ronaldo last year, and now that she's single again, she assumed they'd get back together. So Kim and Paris may have a duel at dawn or something. Yawn.
Grade: F (Dad's sleeping with your aunt)
"How I Did It!"
Jennifer Lopez is Us Magazine's "Style Icon Of The Decade." In the accompanying story, she talks a lot about her body after having twins:
"I remember my flabby belly hanging out right after I gave birth. I kind of laughed and said to Marc, 'Look baby, isn't this crazy?' I even played with it a little bit. I just didn't care. But then I look back at the pictures from this time, and I'm like, oh, God, I was fat. I was still heavy eight months out."
She is now "really proud" that she is back to her old size. in other news, Keanu Reeves has been "incredibly supportive" of Sandra Bullock throughout her drama — he "can't stand" to look at the motorcycle Jesse James once built for him, and wants to give it to charity or auction it off. Lastly: Jon Gosselin has a new girlfriend, who is forty-something and rich.
Grade: F (Mom's cheating with your little league coach)
Life & Style
"Kim's Dangerous New Love."
Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo and Kim Kardashian having been dating in Spain. They had a lunch date in Madrid, and after the meal, she went to his gated mansion, and a source says, "she spent the night." The mag asks, "So what does their three-day date mean?" This question goes unanswered, but Ronaldo, who does 3,000 sit-ups a day, is a playboy who loves to party. He's gone out with a lot of paid escorts, "like a lot of European men." Also, he earned $41.3 million last year. Next, a story tagged "Still Suffering" and titled "Sandra Meets The Other Women" is very misleading because Sandra ONCE met former West Coast Choppers employee Merliee Gerth, whom Jesse James allegedly slept with. The copy here reads: "There she was, sitting mere feet from the other woman, so close she'd be able to smell the perfume Merille may have been wearing — a scent that would have rubbed off all over Jesse during moments of passion." Barf. The piece titled "Will Kate Ever Have Sex Again?" informs us that the last time Kate Gosselin had sex was 15 months ago. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's mom are at peace now, despite past tension. Kourtney Kardashian lists the 10 steps she took to get her "bikini body," including working out and drinking smoothies. Lastly, one of our favorite, terrifying features: "Hollywood Kids All Grown Up" uses "high-tech age progression" to show what the children of Nicole Richie, Kendra Wilkinson, Jennifer Garner and Britney Spears will look like in about 20 years (image 7). Matthew McConaughey's kid will grow up to shun razors, apparently.
Grade: D- (Learning you'll be sporting a shaggy mullet at 23.)
"Kate Confesses: I Am So Alone."
Kate Gosselin cried during an interview with Inside Edition last week, which served as the inspiration for this story. A "friend" says Kate is upset because she has no man in her life. "She's lonely, unhappy, and doesn't know who in the world she can trust." The mag notes that in her new book, she says that she actually gave birth to septuplets, but one was still born, so perhaps "revealing this tragic loss may be the reason for her low spirits." Unsolicited Uterus Update: Gwen Stefani was seen with a "slight bump" (image 8)at some party in Beverly Hills last week — and was overheard telling someone she is trying for a girl. Next: Sandra Bullock canceled a meeting with her divorce lawyer, and friends say she is thinking about reconciling with Jesse James. A source says: "Sandra thinks Jesse is doing the best he can to save their marriage. She is saying that he is doing the respectful thing by staying in rehab." Charlie Sheen shaved his head because he has hit "rock bottom" and didn't want his hair to be tested for drug use. There's a picture of him here waving his In Touch cover at some paparazzi. An insider says he hasn't seen his kids in a week, and he's done with wife Brooke. "He doesn't really like little kids because it's all about them, and he is so selfish he can't deal." Kim Kardashian's "risky romance" with Cristiano Ronaldo is a bad idea because he was once caught on tape having an orgy multiple women. A friend says: "He doesn't seem like a guy you'd want to date if you want to settle down and have babies." A picture of Britney is titled "Falling apart… again" because her wig was ill-fitting, her pants were too tight and the zipper was down, her shirt was ripped and her deodorant was showing. In Larry King news, little league coach Hector Penate tells the magazine that he's been sleeping with Larry King's wife Shawn Southwick for a year. "We had sex in Larry's bed — a lot. I felt like it was my house," he says. "I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV." Penate adds, "She wanted to have a little girl with me. She was trying to fertilize her eggs do that." Insiders at CNN say that Shannon, Shawn's sister, often visited Larry on the set and would sneak out a side door when Shawn arrived. Hector also says Larry is a "sex freak" and claims that Shawn said Larry likes to hear about their past experiences when they are having sex. Somehow, a photo of Larry and Shawn kissing (image 9) is the most disgusting part of this story. We'll let Kathie Lee explain, as words fail us. Finally, let's cleanse the palate with this two page spread on how Zuma is stealing his awesome older brother Kinston's style (image 10). Who wouldn't?
Grade: C- (Baby brother steals your leg warmers.)
"Kim's Secret Marriage! And divorce from hell"
As you may recall, Kim Kardashian secretly married music producer Damon Thomas in 2000, and her family only learned about it when Kourtney found her marriage license. The two divorced in 2004 and Star has court documents Kim filed in which she says Damon beat her and threatened her life. In the papers Kim describes how Damon made her ask permission when she wanted to leave their house, wanted her home at 4:30 to cook him dinner, and gave her money "for liposuction that Damon suggested I have because he wanted me to be perfect." The article describes in detail physical abuse Kim claims she suffered, including being punched in the face on multiple occasions, strangling her, and threatening to kill her and her family. Kim also says her father Robert Kardashian once "called me, outraged, to tell me that Damon brought nude pictures of my sister to his office, showed him the photos and said, "Your daughters are whores, and I have the pictures to prove it.'" It's unclear which sister she's referring to, but either way it's horrifying. More bad news: Early on the morning of April 15 Kiefer Sutherland got incredibly drunk and went to a London strip club. An employee says he "began taking off his clothes as he was trying to dance with the girls." When he threatened to take off his pants he was dragged out by a group of bodyguards, "shouting and laughing like a maniac." Unfortunately for Kiefer, paparazzi caught the entire incident (image 11) Next: Former Scientologist Amy Scobee, author of the new book Scientology: Abuse at the Top, claims she lived with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman at the Scientology base in Hemet, CA in the mid-'90s. She says Tom was barred from joining the religion's elite Sea Organization due to his history of drug use. While she says she doesn't want to gossip, "I can say that smoking pot or doing cocaine wouldn't be enough to disqualify you from the Sea Org. and medicines wouldn't either." In other news, Angelina Jolie's feud with Brad Pitt's mom Jane is over, as evidenced by them being photographed together on a hotel balcony in Venice. The mag claims they bonded when "Angie broke down and opened up, telling Jane she's overwhelmed." Jane told her to be stricter with the kids, and now Jane's been teaching Angie how to cool some of Brad's favorite childhood dishes. Moving on: Snooki broke up with boyfriend Emilio Masella this week, but Star had an interview in which Emilio said they were planning to get married so they decided to run it anyway writing, "little did she know, he was about to propose!" Emilio told the mag, "She wants a really big diamond, big enough to beat someone up with."
Grade: C (Parents won't let you be the ring bearer.)