Wednesdays we play Midweek Madness, masquerading as enthusiasts of Star, Ok!, Us, In Touch and Life & Style. This week, Charlie Sheen's wearing the "dumbest disguise ever"; Kate Hudson might have breast implants and Lady Gaga is a wedding crasher.
"At Last! Baby Brother For Suri!"
A source claims that Katie Holmes "insists" that in the next 12 months, she and Tom Cruise will "welcome another baby into the family." Then there's this: "Tom has always said that getting pregnant has to totally be Katie's decision. Not just because he's a good guy, but because it's part of Scientology." And: "The baby's soul must inhabit its pre-birth body with the clear intention that it wants to be born." Um. Okay. Jennifer Aniston's new fragrance, Lola Vie, refers to Jen's fave song with the lyrics, "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets," and "perfectly sums up" her "have-it-all mantra." Kristen Stewart is "fed up" and "sick of the charade" when it comes to pretending not to be dating Robert Pattinson. While Rob was filming Bel Ami, he phoned, texted and Skyped Kristen constantly, a source says: "On one video chat, he sat with hand in hair and head cocked to the side, just smiling, for minutes. Finally, she giggled, and said, 'What?' He said: 'I just love you. I miss you so much.'" And one million teenage hearts break! An insider says: "He feels so lucky to have found someone so young with such an old soul." Lastly: Sandra Bullock has been writing in a diary, which allows her to vent all of her emotions. It COULD be made into a tell-all book. Sure, sure.
Grade: F (lampshade on the head)
Life & Style
"Kim's Revenge Body."
Shocker: Kim Kardashian has been eating a "healthy mix" of protein and vegetables. "I cut out all carbs," she says. "I ate a lot of leafy greens and fruit and stuck to my QuickTrim routine." Scintillating. Moving on: Tori spelling is 93 lbs. She doesn't eat, and doesn't even drink water. The mag uses an arrow to point to the "fur" on her upper arms, notes that her eyes are sunken, and claims "She's showing signs of an eating disorder." The story also points out: "Tori often overcompensates for extreme thinness by talking up her indulgences. Tori's Twitter page is filled with accounts of hearty meals and snacks." Tori allegedly has a 24-inch waist, which the mag illustrates by printing the "actual size" of her jeans' waistband. We took a tape measure to these jeans and they're printed 10 inches wide so we don't know what the hell is going on. Next: Kourtney Kardashian's "marginally employed baby daddy," Scott Disick, is developing a line of self-tanning products called Monte Carlo. A-Rod and Cameron Diaz are having "secret hook-ups." They're keeping it quiet, but they are "totally together." The two were seen "all over each other" at a recent CAA party, and Alex recently arranged to fly Cameron to Miami — which he used to do for Kate Hudson all the time. Here's a line from the Kate Gosselin story: "How does she cope with the stress of parenting 8 children, fighting a court battle with her ex, and juggling her career as a television personality and author? In the past, she's turned to pills." The pills in question here are Zoloft and sleeping pills — nothing nefarious. "Stars For Sale" details what celebs charge to make appearances: Kim Kardashian gets $100,000; Heidi Montag makes $25,000; Snooki wants $15,000; Lindsay Lohan will show up for $2500. This was funny: "Brad And Angie Try To Save The World, But They Couldn't Save This Bunny." (see image 7) Lastly, when asked who should raise the Gosselin kids, 4% of people surveyed think the children should be raised by wolves (see image 8).
Grade: D- (Groucho Marx-style glasses with nose attached)