Spring has sprung all over J.Crew's face, and this April catalog has more flora than a botanical garden. It's worth paging through, though, to get to the hot guys at the end. Grab your Claritin, we're going in!
If the cover model looks kind of dazed or dead-eyed, it's probably because she can't believe she is wearing a floral romper. Even five-year-olds would look upon this outfit and declare it for "babies." Pretty flowers, though!
On thing the J.Crew stylists love to do is layer in a way that would never be appropriate in real life. This ensemble of shirt, cardigan, necklace over collar and two skirts looks almost normal here, but if this chick were walking down the street, you would be all, "Why is she wearing two skirts?"
I've said it before and I'll say it again: J.Crew, in my experience, hates boobs. Everything I have ever owned has been ever so slightly tight in the bust. True, I have a huge rack. But look at this lady! This is the J.Crew ideal: Concave.
Oh, Jenna's Picks. She always picks things I don't like, so of course the $98 "Adèle Romper" is here.
I don't know that I have a dream outfit, but this is fairly close to a nightmare outfit! Putting the zzzzz in neutralz. I mean come on: There's neutral, and then there's the next best thing to an invisibility cloak.
Are overalls really happening? Are they really "glam"?!?! At least these $168 ones — the paint splatter is included — are less than the $348 ones from Free People.
Once, when my sister was living in Cuzco, Peru, I went to visit. We went to a bar, and she was wearing some vintage paint-splattered army pants. Her Peruvian friend Henry looked dismayed; we asked why and his answer was, to translate and sum up, "Why do you want to look poor?" That is the question I have for anyone who buys these fucking overalls.
Oh, sweatpants are glam too, now, right? Remember last year, when an editor from Lucky thought about buying $225 sweat shorts? Little did we know that this was what the future held: "Luxe" sweatpants. Luxe.
Interracial couple! So cute I am going to ignore her terribly unflattering lipstick!
The "Bow Monde" dress on the right is another example of how J. Crew hates boobs. When has any woman ever wanted a giant hideous bowtie on her boobs? It looks like the dress had sleeves which didn't work out for some reason, so someone tied the sleeves together, Euro/Prep sweater style, and said, "Fixed!"
A palate cleanser, to wipe the awful bow dress away: How pretty is this "Sophia Gown"? You can wear a bra with it! It's forgiving to all types of figures! It's $395. which is what a wedding dress should cost and much cheaper than the thousands some people pay!
Did I mention this catalog features outdoorsy dudes? (The way that men and women are portrayed is discussed here.) This Is Michael, he likes to talk about plowing.
Collin knows the Latin names for dahlias and roses.
Steve wants to put his fingers in your soil.
Brent is a goat farmer. No, really.
Dustin wants to get you up on the roof.
Earlier: Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match
March Madness At J. Peterman: Choose Your Own (Artsy) Adventure
March Anthropologie: A Lush, Tropical Dream With Nightmarish Shoes
February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty Penny
J. Crew: Socks & Sensibilities
Barbie Collector: Dolls No Girl Should Ever Play With
Love Don't Cost A Thing: Valentine's Day At Dean & Deluca
Anthropologie: When You Long To Be A French Gamine
January At J. Crew: Sequin Shorts, Shitty Shoes & Other Insanities