I picked up the new SkyMall catalog on a flight over the weekend. Maybe I'm getting old, but I was surprised at how dangerous some of the crap seemed. I thought, "Could you use junk from SkyMall to kill someone?"
The answer is: Maybe! Listen: You should never harm your fellow wo/man. But! If you fantasize about offing someone in a creative way, SkyMall can help. Below: 8 ways to die; choose one.
1. Air Gun
The trick with this is to lodge the ping-pong ball in the victim's throat, thereby blocking the airway to the lungs and suffocating him. It may take some time, and isn't good for fast-moving targets. It is good for people who won't shut the fuck up, however.
2. The Nuclear Globe
This inflatable ball may look like tons of fun, but imagine sending your victim into shark-infested waters? Or a river that - unbeknownst to him - has a steep and rocky waterfall? There may also be a way to kill or maim someone with that "Floating Fiesta" thing but I haven't figured it out yet. Suggestions welcome.
3. Jäger Tap
Simple: Replace the Jäger with antifreeze or some kind of homemade hemlock juice. Cheers!
4. Lawn Aerator Sandals
A swift kick to the face with these spiked shoes will maim; a subsequent stomping should kill.
5. My Muletto
I find the word "muletto" vaguely offensive, but I like the idea of being able to somehow use these straps to drive the heel of your shoe into a victim's eye socket. They should make the strap out of bungee cord, actually, so the shoe boomerangs back after doing damage.
6. Animated Hitch Critters
All you really have to do is drive in front of someone with this crap on the back of your car. Surely they'll be all "WTF" and distractedly tailgate; just swerve away and you'll never be a suspect in the resulting fiery crash.
7. BodyGard 5-In-1 Emergency Tool
Between the glass breaker and the seat belt cutter, it should be easy to dispatch someone in an "emergency." Especially if you're on an airplane. Or in a submarine. (If only Charlie on Lost had been able to break that glass!)
8. Batman Begins Cane Sword
Self-explanatory. Adding the ring and money clip would be a nice touch, but is not mandatory.