Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

The back cover of the March Free People catalog featured The Ugliest Shoes Ever Conceived. Viewing those shoes was such a traumatizing experience, we delayed actually looking inside the pages, should worse monstrosities lurk there. Guess what? They do!

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

The $168 "Bright Side" dress tries to trick you into thinking it is springy and yellow, when what it really is is short, chartreuse and partly sheer. A frightening combination.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

Almost every skirt or dress in this catalog is crotch-grazingly short. This "Ruffled Layers" skirt is obviously no exception. The good news is, it has a name that makes sense, unlike the "My Fair Lady" jacket ($138), which Audrey Hepburn would never ever wear.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

Oh, look: The "Floral Slouch Clog," aka The Ugliest Shoe Ever Conceived™ in its natural habitat! Actually, the design seems clear to me now, and it's perfect for pseudo-hippies: The boot goes up high to protect crunchy young ladies from briars and poison ivy as they trudge through the brush to Woodstock-esque outdoor concerts; the toes are open to show off a pedicure. She may be a Deadhead, but she loves her Essie polish! Other theory: The height of the boot means less leg-shaving.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

One thing Free People excels at is creating Garments That Must Be Worn With Another Similar Garment (GTMBWWASG). I'm not talking about pants that must be worn with a shirt. I mean pants that need pants under them, or shirts that need shirts under them. For instance: You can't just wear this $88 "Merrie Gossamer Slip." You need the right kind of bra/camisole, as this model demonstrates. It is so sheer! The $68 "Trojan Horse Belt" is optional, but if you want to look like a faery who travels by Pegasus, you should probably get it.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

This is a classic case of GTMBWWASG. The "Kaleidoscope Tunic" opens to the waist and covers one-eighth of the thigh. You can't just grab it and run out of the house, you need an additional layer. Pretty colors, though.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

I'm not going to go on a rant about the infantilization of women but come on. This is a $108 romper with a flounced hem. In other words: Baby clothes. Also: GTMBWWASG! The top, anyway.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

She's a model, so her legs are long, but the question must be asked: How is this navy item categorized as a "dress"? I've seen mini-dresses. I know mini-dresses. This is a shirt. Also: GTMBWWASG. And hideous, hideous shoes.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

"Hey, so, um, I know it looks like we've got no money, but my jeans were $128; her tunic is $98; these shoes are $98 and her shoes are $288. The point is, we have money. Just not enough for the bus. Got a quarter?"

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

These people are obviously dressed for a very special occasion. But which?

1. Hair party in Central Park
2. Stevie Nicks night at the karaoke bar
3. Duh, they are the bride and bride in a same-sex wedding!

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

Classic GTMBWWASG.

Free People: For March, The Ugliest Shoes & Clothes To Match

Romper: $98. Fishnet bandeau underneath: $20. Hat: $288. Necklace: $98. Cuff: $24. Boots: $358.

An $886 outfit that looks like crap? Priceless!

Free People [Official Site]

Earlier: Free People & The Ugliest Shoes Ever Conceived
The 13 Ugliest Shoes In The World

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