Tiger's Sexts To Porn Stars: A Textual AnalysisS

Tiger Woods paramour Joslyn James just posted all his texts on her website — but what do his messages about choking, golden showers, and club sandwiches really mean? For that, we turn to our textual analysts.

James's site is, unsurprisingly, overloaded, but Deadspin got the full transcript. Below, our team of analysts put their 12 PhDs and 34 master's degrees to work on the conundrum that is Woods.

Tiger: Sent: 05:46 PM 07/30/2009:
Heading back from the course [1] now.

Tiger:Sent: 05:52 PM 07/30/2009:
How close are you

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under ms daniels [2]. Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be i

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
n room 201. You can come down the stair well next to your room. Make sure absolutely no one sees you

1. This likely refers not to a golf course, as one might expect, but to a community college course on Relationship Ethics that Woods was the taking at the time. He received a grade of F+.
2. Woods's fetish for sliding envelopes underneath one Lucretia Daniels of Urbana, Illinois is well-documented. His texts to her, unfortunately, have not been made public.

[...]

Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
I hope not. So you have been with others huh since [3]

Tiger:Sent: 10:35 AM 08/23/2009:
I hope so

Tiger:Sent: 10:45 PM 08/23/2009:
Not a bad thing thinking about me [4]

[...]

Tiger:Sent: 11: 08 PM 08/23/2009:
I like when you do that to me

Tiger:Sent: 11:11 PM 08/23/2009:
Ditto sexy [5]

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/28/2009:
Maybe in two weeks in chicago

Tiger:Sent: 03:19 PM 08/29/2009:
I need that so bad

Tiger:Sent: 03;29 PM 08/29/2009:
Now:)

Tiger:Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
Me to. I would wear you out

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea [6]. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls

Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question

Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust [7]

Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no [8]

3. Woods's concern for his lover's fidelity here is touching.
4. This comment grimly foreshadowed the fact that a mere few months later, most of America would be "thinking about him," and that most of these thought could be described as "bad things."
5. This phrase actually appeared on Tiger Woods's limited edition line of Sweethearts Candy Hearts, along with "Divorce settlement" and "Sex rehab."
6. Here Woods is likely responding to James's query, "what is the capital of Uruguay?" His grasp of South American geography is notoriously poor.
7. Woods liked to surround itself with only the most trustworthy people, as evinced by the very existence of James's website.
8. No.

Tiger:Sent: 03:52 PM 08/29/2009:
God girl. You better want to take care of me

Tiger:Sent: 03:56 PM 08/29/2009:
You do. Need more of it

Tiger:Sent: 03:59 PM 08/29/2009:
of you

Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore [9]

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck [10] that ass that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten [11]

9. Interestingly, on the several websites that printed portions of Woods's texts, this one proved one of the most popular. One site, however, printed it as "You are my f——— w——, leaving open the possibility that Woods merely called James his "foolish woman."
10. According to grammatical psychologist Nan Athorn, Woods's repeated capitalization of the word "Fuck" is evidence of a disturbed psyche.
11. Records show James replied, "Maybe in two weeks in chicago."

Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine [12]

Tiger:Sent: 04:39 PM 08/29/2009:
Whatever else turns you on

Tiger:Sent: 04:43 PM 08/29/2009:
You tell me what you like

Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
You are. Always will be. Don't trust people [13]

Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
But you still have not told me what turns you on

Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009:
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp

Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around

Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
For years. And punish you for not seeing me more

Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth

Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me

Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don't do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy [14]

[...]

Tiger:Sent: 07:43 PM 09/09/2009:
Great thing is we have a life time of this [15]

Tiger:Sent: 05:44 AM 10/01/2009:
I know that. Thats why i wont do that.

Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
Baby im not going anywhere or doing anything. You please me like no other has or ever will. I'm not losing that. You have to understand people love to tal

Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
k about me. sometimes its good [16] and sometimes its bad. I have learned to just roll with it no matter how much it upsets me when its not true. My life is a

Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
fish bowl [17]

Tiger:Sent: 10:40 AM 10/04/2009:
Guys from dubai. Investors. So my agent being suggested that we go back to my room at the mansion for lunch. He doesnt know about us, obviously

Tiger:Sent: 11:31 AM 10/04/2009:
This has been a total shit trip. Im sorry i fucked up last night [18]. And this shit. We will get it right next time so we can spend more time together.

Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 10/04/2009:
Oh my god. If they were with me. You would have ruined everything

Tiger:Sent: 12:07 PM 10/04/2009:
I told you. Oh my god. I cant believe what just happened [18]

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life [19]. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

12. The publication of these very texts disproves this statement.
13. The last sentence of this message might have been better directed to Elin Nordegren.
14. Woods's love for the NBC drama Mercy is well-documented, as is his insistence that no sex take place during it.
15. Woods was likely referring to the life span of the Common Swamp Gnat, which is about two and a half months.
16. Over time, this has become less true.
17. This text was sent as a prank by Woods's fish, Birdie.
18. We can.
19. Wikipedia (a major source for all professional textual analysts) defines "projection" as "the unconscious act of denial of a person's own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, the government, a tool, or to other people." If Woods's final text to James is not used to illustrate the term in psychology classes by the end of this year, we will eat our textual-analytical hats.

Sexting Tiger Threatened To "Slap, Spank, Bite And Fuck Till Mercy" [Deadspin]
20 Raunchy Text Messages Tiger Woods Sent To His Mistress Joslyn James [Business Insider]
Joslyn James Posts X-Rated Texts She Claims Tiger Woods Sent Her [RadarOnline]
Joslyn James Posts Tiger Woods ‘Sexts' [NY Mag]
Tiger Woods' Text Messages — So Graphic [TMZ]