Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we suffer through cuddling up to the decrepit old weekly tabloids, so you don't have to. This week: Katie Holmes is so distracted with being knocked up that Suri's going without shoes.
Also: Kendra lands yet another "exclusive" cover story, Brad is spying on Angie and Johnny, the dude from The Bachelor bores us to tears and Scott Disick is rammed down our throats. Good times!
"Dancing With The Stars Showdown"
The cover promises "behind the scenes drama," But there isn't any. Inside, you'll find lame quotes from Bachelor Jake and his dancing partner Chelsie Hightower. And three paragraphs detailing what Jake eats every day. Snooze!!!! Next: Suri Cruise was spotted leaving ballet class WITHOUT SHOES (see image 7). See what happens when you make fun of her heels? In Johnny Depp/Angelina Jolie news, a source who has worked closely with Johnny says: "Trust me. kissing Angelina Jolie on camera is the least exciting thing he'll do all year.… He likes to do movies that are a lot weirder. Johnny's dream costar is someone more along the lines of Helen Mirren." A different source says: "Brad doesn't mean to act jealous, but he's not comfortable letting his woman get really close to one of the sexiest men alive." Um, isn't Brad also one of the sexiest men alive? Lastly: Jennifer Love Hewitt went home with Jamie Kennedy, ate his mom's home cooking and put on a little weight. Then Jamie helped her design a diet full of leafy greens, and she dropped 12 lbs. Now, a source says, Jennifer is "telling everyone around her how important it is to keep fit and drop any extra pounds you have, because she's promising them you will not only look great, but will feel so much better." Yawn.
Grade: F- (making out with The Crypt Keeper)