Hollywood's biggest night has arrived! Are you prepared?

I am: I've got pretzels and white Zinfandel. Let's do this.

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•••

11:57
The Hurt Locker wins Best Picture! Six Oscars! Really really great! I am happy… That the show is over. Good night guys, sorry for the tech issues, thanks for being here!

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11:55
Kathryn Bigelow wins Best Director. History is made. "This is the moment of a lifetime," she says.

11:52
It was Sandra Bullock's year. It's "her time." That's what everybody said, and it's true, now. I shall watch All About Steve on demand to celebrate.

11:50





11:45
Oh, hey Spiccoli! I thought Sean Penn skipped this kind of stuff?


11:43
I love how Gabby is just smiling and psyched the whole time.

11:41
I think Oprah counts as a "special guest."


11:38
So: My updates are taking forever to save, and I am ready for this crap to be over.

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I liked when The Dude said, "Roger Love, man. Thank you guys."

11:32

Kate Winslet is stunning. The Oscar goes to Jeff Bridges, of course. It seems like media speculation has really taken the surprise out of the show. No upsets, no gasps.

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11:15

How fun would it be to go out drinking with Pedro and Quentin?
I want to see A Prophet. Entertainment Weekly gave it an A.

Best Foreign Language Film: El Secreto De Sus Ojos

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11:10




11:03

Best Documentary: The Cove.

Best Film Editing: The Hurt Locker.

11:02

The boyfriend went to lie down, and I can't say I blame him. This show has been predictable and… un-lively, not that that's a word.

Oh: But if you make Oscar LOLs, like this, and post them in the comments or email them to me (dodai@jezebel.com), I'll post them at some point. You can use the Clooney gallery and the ROFLBOT!

10:53

Best Original Score: Michael Giacchino, Up.

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Best Visual Effects: Avatar

My Firefox quit after I made a screenshot of Sam Worthington. COINCIDENCE?



10:48

10:45




10:40

The dead people montage made me sleepy. Michael Jackson was kind of unexpected, though.

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10:36

Best Cinematography: Mauro Fiore for Avatar.

10:33

How are you guys holding up? I'm a little bored.

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10:26

Best Sound Editing: The Hurt Locker.

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Best Sound Mixing: The Hurt Locker.

It's cool that The Hurt Locker has won something, that way it can be an "Oscar nominated winning film," no matter what happens later. (Winning. I mean WINNING.)

Here is Mo'Nique's acceptance speech:




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10:10

Best Costume Design: The Young Victoria.

Also:

If your dress is choking you, you have made a poor choice of dress.




Also:

Nice hair.




10:07

Best Art Direction goes to Avatar and noone thanks the person who made FernGully.

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9:59

Mo'Nique wins Best Supporting Actress, not that anyone thought that she wouldn't.




9:57

If there's a fire in the theater it's because Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem have combusted from sheer hotness.

9:53

Queen Latifah walks out and the boyfriend goes, "You got me straight trippin, boo!"

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9:49

Best Adapted screenplay: Precious.

Jeffrey Fletcher is fighting back tears. A very heartfelt speech. Did you see Sapphire in the audience?

9:48

Jake Gyllenhaal and Rachel McAdams look good together.

9:40

Best Makeup: Star Trek.

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9:38

Ben Stiller's tail is resting on some steps and I feel uneasy. Sacha Baron Cohen was supposed to be with him, I think.




9:37

Best Live Action Short: The New Tenants.

9:31

Best Animated Short: Logorama.

"It took six years to make sixteen minutes."

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Best Short Documentary:

Music By Prudence

9:28

Two WTFs: Why are there so many stairs on the stage, and why do they make women in voluminous dresses and high heels walk down them? Also: Playing "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" when Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana enter is fucking bullshit.




9:23

Molly Ringwald > Kristen Stewart

9:18

Remembering John Hughes. I love Weird Science because Kelly Le Brock is like a superhero. "Don't threaten me, Al. I'll kick your ass."

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9:15

Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker.

9:15

As a screenwriting major, I really enjoy this recognition of the words.




9:12

Robert Downey Jr. will always be on my list.

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9:07

Commercial break! I am going to pee and eat french fries.

9:04

Best Original Song: "The Weary Kind," from Crazy Heart.

8:59

This is for commenter amsci, who requested a Clooney bitch plz jpg!

And here's a gallery of Clooney grouch faces.




8:59

Best Animated Feature: Up.

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8:58

Coraline looked really cute when she crossed her legs!

8:52

iPad commercial! Where are those period jokes?

8:44

Walz wins, no one looks shocked.

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8:44

Here we go. Best Supporting Actor. My money's on Christoph Walz.

8:40

I'll admit it — I laughed at the Avatar dandelion gimmick.




8:38

Look at how happy Gabby is!




8:36

Meryl Streep is sofa king cool.

8:33

As a fan of MGM musicals and Busby Berkley, I am thrilled and titillated by this!




8:32

That jacket is not just shiny, it is striped.

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My boyfriend just said "NPH is rad."

8:31

NPH!

8:30

Holy shit they just put them right on the stage right away???!?

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8:29

I have a feeling we're about to see Neil Patrick Harris. Seacreast hinted at it on the red carpet, right?

8:26

Thank HERA that was only half an hour. I can go back to never thinking about Kathy Ireland.

8:25

Kathy and Gabby: AWKWARD!

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8:22

"I Sound Like My Mother" moment with Miley Cyrus: Stand up straight, young lady!




8:21

Tina Fey is luminous, and Steve Carrell's face makes me giggle.

8:19

I don't know what to think about the Whoopi Goldberg commercial for bladder control thingamajigs.

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8:14

Subtlety has never been Jennifer Lopez's forte.




8:11

Why is Morgan Freeman chewing gum? Answer: Because he can.

8:10

Helen Mirren is a goddess among mortals, yes?

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8:06

I just IMdB'd Kathy Ireland. She was in the seminal film Loaded Weapon.

8:03

Question: What are Kathy Ireland's qualifications? Besides having clothing at K-Mart?

8:02

All of these women look amazing. Penny Cruz is one of my girlcrushes! And Mo'Nique is regal tonight.

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8:00

The Academy loves to tell us how awesome it is: "The most famous red carpet in the world." "A new decade of excellence." Yeah, yeah we know. Bring on some statuettes!