Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where you'll find answers to burning questions. Like: Is Angelina using Shiloh to challenge gender norms? Is Mary-Kate Olsen hooking up with Sam Ronson? What would Brad Pitt look like if he'd been in Avatar?
This week we were disappointed by the cover stories of In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. Our burning question would be: Why do the Kardashians keep landing tabloid covers? Don't we know everything there is to know about these women? And why, in 2010, five years after their breakup, is a magazine declaring, "Brad And Jen Are Soulmates"?
On the other hand, hidden inside the mags, beyond the cover teases, there are sparkling gems of gossip. To the mines!
"Humiliated By Their Men."
No, actually — humiliated by In Touch! Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "haunted" by Scott Disick's past. According to the mag, Scott was known as hard partier, a serial cheater, and, as one high school acquaintance puts it, "a tool." Another source says: "Scott had a couple of nicknames in high school. One was Number One Scum and the other was STD." Scott apparently wore silver dog tags with the initials STD engraved on them… We're guessing his middle name Todd or something, but this is not clarified. Kim Kardashian is "desperate" to marry "before she turns 30" (she's 29) and is "pressuring" Reggie Bush (he's 25). Khloe Kardashian's husband Lamar Odom might be "using her" for publicity. A "friend" says: "Lamar wasn't even on the public radar until he married Khloe. Now he's getting endorsement deals left and right." Also, Khloe and Lamar are seeing a marriage counselor. Moving on: The story called "Why Is Jonathan Always On His Tippy-Toes?" is pictorial showing how Jonathan Rhys Meyers always stands on his toes. Breaking: Shiloh and Suri have "such different styles." (See image 7). In Brad/Angie/Jen news, Brad's been in Europe while Angie has been filming, and Brad was spotted wearing an antique pendant necklace that Jen gave him for his 45th birthday. The mag reads: "Knowing that he can't see Jen for a while — and knowing that Angelina is setting up photo ops of their family — Brad wore Jen's special gift again in Paris." Ok, sure. The mag also declares: "Brad and Jen are soulmates." Sigh. Next: "They're Young & Thin But They Still Have Cellulite" is our absolute least favorite kind of tabloid piece. A plastic surgeon says: "Ninety percent of all women have cellulite," and the mag adds: "these youthful and fit celebs are no exception." The doctor emphasizes that no matter how much the stars work out, "females are prone to cellulite from a purely anatomical point of view." And yet the mag feels the need to print six close-up pictures of thighs and butts. Fuck that. We're not even going to tell who the stars are, because it's just cruel that such a story exists. Lastly: Heidi Montag will have a "baby for publicity." A source says that Heidi and Spencer have "already secured a deal with a tabloid" to chronicle "every step of her impending motherhood." "She's not even pregnant yet, but she and Spencer have already signed the papers," says an insider. "They're planning staged photos every step of the way — the pregnancy, the birth, and of course, the first baby picture."
Grade: D- (dead canary)