Allure Readers Still Wonder What "Chicken Of The Sea" Is

In the March issue of Allure, Jessica Simpson reveals filming her docuseries The Price of Beauty has given her more confidence. Allure's editors are confident too... that their readers are idiots.

In keeping with the theme of her upcoming VH1 show, Jessica Simpson's interview focuses on how she learned to be comfortable with who she is and what she looks like. While other media outlets have tried to spin her Allure interview as a response to John Mayer's "sexual napalm" comments in Playboy, all Jess says on the topic of ex-boyfriends is, "I talked to Tony [Romo] today. None of my breakups, none of it's been bitter."

As for the other controversy that's dogged Simpson, her size, she declares that America's weight obsession is, "disgusting. My job is to be creative... And I'm not weighing in for anybody." Though Simpson is known for putting her foot in her mouth, we can all be thankful that her response to the nasty comments about her weight wasn't to slim down and appear on a tabloid cover in a bikini, Jennifer Love Hewitt-style.

Sadly, Allure's editors are a bit confused about this newfangled "body acceptance" thing. Several women are interviewed for a piece on whether or not women should reveal that they've had plastic surgery (including a CIA operative who, unsurprisingly, keeps her face-lift a secret.) The writer calls out Barbara Walters for not revealing how she "manages to look closer to 50" when she's actually approaching 80, but praises woman who recommend plastic surgeons to their friends. Oddly enough, telling friends they look great just as they are never comes up, since in Allure's universe, going under the knife is an inevitable part of the aging process.

Another difference between Allure editors' world and ours: they assume women are literally too stupid to come in out of the rain. What's the best way to keep your expensive heels looking pristine? "If you're going to be out in bad weather, wear rubber boots." Want to whiten your teeth? Use an at-home whitening system and follow the instructions on the box. Yet, the most insulting tip by far is "how to talk to anybody." (Interestingly, Allure gave advice on how to talk to other humans in its December issue). However, this assumption of illiteracy and lack of social skills would explain why they keep publishing pictorials about how makeup comes in different colors.

Allure Readers Still Wonder What "Chicken Of The Sea" Is


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