February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

In December, Free People issued a catalog full of Woodstock-y, Summer Of Love-ish, hippie-dippie threads being sold for preposterous prices. Not much has changed! Ahead: Flower child dresses, bamboo bloomers and overalls so expensive you'll have to sell your VW.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

Let's just go ahead and admit that the "sparkle and shine" top is cute with those denim leggings. But our concern should lie with the "Beryll Peacemaker Harness." A bag inspired by the "Wild West Cowboys" and priced at $798. Do you know many cans of beans could a roper or ranch hand could buy with that cash?

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

I get that it's fun to dress from a different era. Hell, if I could have costumes from Mad Men, She Done Him Wrong and Auntie Mame in my closet, my head would explode with joy. But isn't it weird to spend $88 on a top from a boutique owned by a publicly traded company (and run by a conservative capitalist) to look like you're part of a counter-culture anti-establishment movement?

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

Sewing the seeds of love… and fugly.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

An irate reader emailed me about these overalls. She pointed out that they are:
1. "Vintage."
2. Tapered
3. Shredded
4. WHITE
and
5. $348
She wrote: "I mean... words do not describe."
I would just like to acknowledge and echo her concerns. Speechless.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

Here, "customized" chinos have worn-away marks an imperfections you'll pay $325 for. Well, not you. But someone. As for the bag, you'll need $498 to take that home and ponder why you just bought something that looks like a sea urchin sea shell.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

I can't even get into the weirdness of the tube top paired with a flared skirt because I am so alarmed that the bag which looks like the carcass of a dead leopard is $428.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

The cami is $98; the shorts are $195; the feather pendant is $24 — meaning there's $317 worth of clothing here! A true Band-Aid would get it all for under $50. Don't you see? It's all happening! No one will sell you to Humble Pie for fifty bucks and a case of beer!

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

Wait, what? This doesn't go with the rest of the catalog! Oh, wait. It's $348. So it does.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

So many thoughts. So many questions. Does someone somewhere actually think this outfit looks good? Is that jacket really $798? Bloomers? Really? Why are those sandals so hideous? What would Marianne Faithfull say?

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

If your dress is short enough that you need to wear a skirt under it, then maybe you shouldn't wear the dress.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

Fringe vest: $648. Photograph of Jimi Hendrix in 1969: $335. Just sayin'.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

The reader who emailed me also had issues with this ensemble. What you see here are $195 high-waisted cutoff shorts OVER something called a "Lucky Charm Romper." And $588 knee boots. The only way this is acceptable is if there was a fire, and she had to pull on the shorts and boots while fleeing the flames in the romper. Or maybe this outfit is a nuanced commentary on the softness of women, and how we have to protect our delicate flower selves with a rugged, borrowed-from-the-boys toughness.

Or maybe it's just ridiculous.
This catalog makes me want to give up.

February At Free People: Faux Flower Child Fashion Costs A Pretty PennyS

Yeah, no, I give up.

Free People [Official Site]
Earlier: J. Crew: Socks & Sensibilities

Love Don't Cost A Thing: Valentine's Day At Dean & Deluca
Anthropologie: When You Long To Be A French Gamine
January At J. Crew: Sequin Shorts, Shitty Shoes & Other Insanities
Post-Holiday Bloat? Tough: It's Swimsuit Season At Victoria's Secret

All previous catalog posts