We finally bought a copy of the unauthorized Sarah Palin magazine (it was $9!), and we discovered that she can indeed save America ... by teaching even our smallest children how to dress wild game. After the jump, delicious recipes!

Sarah Palin: The Untold Story purports to offer faith, family, and freedom, but we think a better description would be "food, fun, and fierce animals." Fierce, that is, until they're dead.


Extrapolating from some previously unseen photos, we've developed tasty treats to help you and your family rid the wilderness of troublesome native species. Let's take a look! (Click on images to enlarge to full size)

Killing Technique
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Before you get cooking, it's important to know how you'll wrench the unsuspecting animal from this life. The best method — especially for children — is with your bare hands. Whether it's moose, elk, wolf, or even grizzly and brown bear, meat just tastes better if you know it comes from a corpse throttled by a small child. You could provide your kid with some wrist guards and a face mask, but why bother? Little Sarah's arm had obviously been gored by some beast in this picture, and look how happy she is!

Bear Eyeball Salad
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The accompanying copy for this photo told us that Palin's dad once asked her to hold a bear's "warm eyeballs." She said, "No, Dad, I just can't do that one." We bet your family can do better! First, set your children upon a grizzly bear. It may take several of them to subdue her, especially if they are young. If your children have a helicopter, the process will be quicker. Once she's dead, position her on your family's "blood stump" until she is sufficiently drained of fluid. This is a good time to take photographs. Next, skin the bear. (Save the skin — the head makes a great party hat.) Now the fun part: have your children root out the eyeballs and slice them thinly. If they balk, just ask them if they want to be tougher than Sarah Palin — that should get them going. Serve the eyeball slices with butter lettuce and a warm raspberry vinaigrette. Serves 6, depending on how much you like eyeballs.

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Kind of like pigs-in-a-blanket! First, catch a bunch of fish. Lay them on top of each other in such a way that they look especially bloody and dead. Serve in a cardboard box.

Note: Picky eaters, like Palin's sister (right) may object to the appearance of Fish-in-a-Box. Try telling them the blood is tomato sauce!

Caribou Skull Soup
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Just like pumpkin soup, this soup is made right in a caribou skull. First, slaughter the caribou, decapitate it, and scoop out its brain. Warning: only children seven and over should attempt this. Don't remove the antlers — they add to the presentation! Instead, simply fill the skull with a mixture of caribou meat, chicken broth, and fresh herbs, and simmer over a roaring fire for several hours. Garnish with a little Parmigiano-Reggiano. Serving suggestion: provide step-stools so your children can reach the cranium. Afterward, it makes a great conversation piece.

Bird Cake

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Are your kids tired of the usual chocolate, carrot, or yellow cake options? For their next birthday, why not try something a little more festive? Slaughter a few wild fowl of your choice and have the birthday girl/boy pluck and butcher them. A few scented candles will help with the smell. Next, chop the carcasses finely, fold in egg whites, flour, butter, and a little cinnamon, and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, or until a toothpick stuck into the cake comes out blood-free. Allow to cool, then top with buttercream frosting, and, if desired, a few candied rose petals. Don't forget to make a wish!

Related: Unauthorized Magazine Written In Sarah Palin's Voice Is Keeping Old Media Alive [Gawker]