In which we adopt the persona of Women's Voices. Women Vote robocaller and misinformation chief Lamont Williams, if he only had a voice.
Yo voters, this is Lamont, calling because you need to register to vote. Oh really? You already registered? But did you ever receive the packet? Did you send in the detailed form? Because we explicitly stated on every packet that you were required to send in the form. All right, to be sure, you are not required to send in the form to vote, per se, but to be registered. And you need to register! To vote. Women's Voices, Women Vote has even kindly provided me with some dates and deadlines, although they are mostly, to be honest with you sisters, completely arbitrary and false and I suspect only generated to elicit the sort of mass confusion popularized by Karl Rove, but I'm a cynic. Five years after Bush said so, I also don't believe, ladies, that the Mission was actually Accomplished, or that Saddam Hussein orchestrated September 11, or that Guantanamo is really such a decent place to retire. And as far as I know, Barack Obama isn't Muslim and the United States did not invent AIDS, but maybe I am paying too much attention to these two winos named Moe and Megan...
MOE: Oh look at this, Obama's "aura of inevitability" has diminished. Remember when that happened to Hillary? How can we ever democratically elect a president if he/she doesn't have that "aura of inevitability"? It's unamerican!
MEGAN: You have to have an aura of inevitability, it's sort of like an aura of infallibility and of course the President is infallible!
MOE: This is uplifting. Troops don't want to seek counseling for their psychological/psychiatric issues for fear it will hurt their careers. And with good reason: up until now you've had to given extensive interviews if you report that you've sought mental health help when applying for security clearance.
One in four of the troops surveyed said he or she knew "nothing at all about effective mental health treatments for issues that may arise from their service in a war zone," Robinowitz said.
MOE: Michelle Obama still rules:
The interviewer later prefaced a question by saying she wanted to "turn the page" from the Wright controversy.
"No, you don't," Mrs. Obama replied.
MEGAN: Ok, yeah, that sort of kicks ass.
MEGAN: Anyway, so, the mental health in the military thing, it's sort of like Dodai wrote only with greater consequences. Also, it's my experience that your can get a clearance as long as you're honest about stuff, it just takes longer.
MOE: Sometimes Dick Cheney really sorta steps out of character, you know?
MEGAN: Sometimes, it just seems like he's fucking with us.
MEGAN: Sort of like Bush with that whole Mission Accomplished" thing
MOE: Yeah you wouldn't think that what with orchestrating the sophisticated propaganda effort to recruit, brief and dispatch retired military commanders to defend the war on teevee and such that...he'd have the time to advocate against trying to save the whales? He is truly a multitasker.
MOE: Did you read that story, by the way? It came out on a weekend so I think we never got to it but it's worth checking out (all ninety pages of it, probably!) The fascinating thing was how the appearance of these supposedly "objective" pundits was used within the administration to give officials a sense that the tide of public sentiment was turning.
"The impressions that you're getting from the media and from the various pronouncements being made by people who have not been here in my opinion are totally false," Donald W. Shepperd, a retired Air Force general, reported live on CNN by phone from Guantánamo that same afternoon.
The next morning, Montgomery Meigs, a retired Army general and NBC analyst, appeared on "Today." "There's been over $100 million of new construction," he reported. "The place is very professionally run."
Within days, transcripts of the analysts' appearances were circulated to senior White House and Pentagon officials, cited as evidence of progress in the battle for hearts and minds at home.
MEGAN: What does he hate about whales? Or if it just that they are yummy?
MOE: Sometimes they get in the way of fast ships transporting oil or nukes or whatever I guess.
MEGAN: Or sweet, sweet babies for him to drink the blood of?
MEGAN: Anyway, yeah, I did the story although it sorta didn't surprise me. I kinda figure everyone on TV has an agenda, I guess it's more the coordination part that seemed too much like walking and chewing gum for this administration.
MOE: My ex-boyfriend led a "Mission Accomplished!" wheat paste postering campaign throughout Philadelphia about...three years ago I guess. Now I'm getting nostalgic! Over 3,000 troops have probably died since then. And, oh yeah, at least half a million Iraqis.
MEGAN: Well, really, obviously their lives are not as important as our ability to keep driving SUVs and ignoring the human costs of the war, so, you know, shhhhhh.
MOE: Moving on to matters slightly more obscure but, sadly, no less significant when it comes to our choice of Custodian Of the Unaccomplished and to that end Iraqi lives, this Women's Voices Women's Vote voter fraud conspiracy-type thing is sooo fascinating.
MEGAN: No, totally. It's like, completely shady and bad, very Rovian. I should go find their tax returns.
MOE: It's like oh I get it. Women get more representation if we dispatch a man named "Lamont" to call "single women" aka "black folks" and give them all the wrong dates, times and deadlines for registration to vote. I'm kinda slightly more annoyed about my primary nonvoting experience now.
* Michigan officials ended up "fielding tons of calls from confused voters" after Women's Voices did a February mailing to "380,000 unmarried women" — including numerous deceased voters and even more that were already registered. Sarah Johnson of Women's Voices "seemed confused by the confusion," the Lansing State Journal reported.
"Confused by the confusion." No better tone to master in this business, I guess!
MEGAN: Ha, also, Page Gardner has a ton of donations to groups like EMILY's List (supporting Clinton) and, slightly strangely, Congresswoman Allyson Schwartz (committed Clinton superdelegate) and state Democratic committees but not one Presidential candidate this cycle.
MOE: And this is why I love Barack Obama: What's he spent, close to half a billion dollars on television commercials? And yet he tells people at rallies they should turn the TV off.
MEGAN: She gave to Kerry in 2004, though, and to Clinton's Senate re-election campaign.
MEGAN: Podesta's on the board.
MOE: Obama is probably just trying to keep people like Page and the Pentagon from polluting people's brains. What do people like Page get from a Clinton administration? Jobs? Or the "aura" of access?
MEGAN: I think it's the aura of access. I mean, people really, really, really, really get off on the idea that they can call the White House and someone will return their phone calls, and on those grip-and-grin pictures.
MEGAN: Like, I went to a dinner thing when I was still a lobbyist last year, very high-end, extremely rich people there. And they all queued up and waited for an hour to get a grip/grin with Mitt Romney.
MOE: Did you catch any Hillary on O'Reilly? Bc I missed it.
MEGAN: I can't watch O'Reilly. I keep seeing clips of her saying Wright's comments were offensive.
MEGAN: O'Reilly... it's like, I don't even get the smallest sense that he knows how unintentionally ironic he is. The only reason I can watch Shephard Smith in the afternoon is half the time I think he's winking when he says outrageous stuff. That, and I'm a total hag.
Propaganda via Jesse Goldstein of Space 1026.