J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

The new J. Crew catalog uses Portugal as a gorgeous backdrop to push awkward-length shorts, hideous shoes and icky socks. Vacation like an ugly American!

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Let's go ahead and agree that Lisbon is DISTCINTLY SOULFUL, since J. Crew feels the need to shout this at us. But PIECES TO WEAR RIGHT NOW is a questionable statement. The forecast in NYC predicts 6-10 inches of snow tomorrow, and there's not much in this catalog to help with that.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Still, I guess it's okay to pretend you're wandering and windswept on the Iberian peninsula. If that's what you're into.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

But if you want to live the J. Crew lifestyle, be prepared to wear beige fishnet anklets with your $135 "Suede Macalister Boots." Oh, sure, they look just like Wallabees or Clarks desert boots. They just cost almost fifty bucks more.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Note to self: Instead of buying new jewelry, just put on as many pieces of your old jewelry as you can, even if you think they clash. Iris Apfel is the new black.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

The names of the pants at J. Crew are endlessly amusing, because the items they're inspired by keep getting progressively smaller. First there were trousers. Then the "matchstick," which gave way to the even thinner "toothpick." Here it's the "pixie," and by summer, they'll be selling the "single-celled protozoa." Better work on tightening up your ribosomes!

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Poor child is so confused. Are we going boating? Or on a picnic? Or dancing? Or to the opera? Gloves and a veiled cocktail hat would improve this look immensely. And by improve, I mean "make it apparent how ridiculous it is."

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Oh, Jenna's Picks Eye Candy. I'll take all the jewelry, the cone-heeled shoes (17), the fluttery clutches (18), and the peep toes (20). The Indiana Jones shoes (19), the Giles From Buffy satchel (23) and the Stoned Foreign Exchange Student boots (6) are on my shit list.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Another perfectly good outfit ruined by socks. How do you say "What is your damage" in Portuguese?

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

I will never, ever ever ever understand why anyone would pay $168 for jeans with paint already splattered on them. If you think this looks cool, put on your jeans and paint a mural or something. Paint someone's bedroom! They might even pay you.

But seriously: Don't these pants romanticize either A. the working class or B. starving artists? I'm sure any housepainter or struggling surrealist would agree that $168 is a preposterous and insulting amount for pre-painted jeans.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

By the by, the painted look is also available in Chino. "This season's masterpiece" is $79.50.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Since painted pants force me to hold back a rant on classism and glamorizing the poor, imagine how irate I am considering the socio-economic implications of $148 pre-rippd "much-loved" jeans. Each pair should come with a copy of The Grapes Of Wrath.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

She just mailed a postcard which reads: "The weather's here, wish you were beautiful."

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

This makes me want to watch His Girl Friday or Desk Set right now. And we need a new snappy screwball working woman comedy that doesn't involve brides or babies, ASAP. Maybe it could be set at J. Crew? In it, these ladies will be attempting to explain why all of the fairly decent outfits in this catalog come with trashy, nasty fishnet socks.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

"Okay, okay, I'll wear the socks. Jeez. Now how do I text my boyfriend on this thing?"

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

Speaking of boyfriends… This is what I'd like for mine to wear. But with a white shirt and a narrower tie. And ixnay on the ooze-shay.

J. Crew: Socks & SensibilitiesS

While we're nixing things willy-nilly, what say you of this gentleman's tattoos? I like them, but J. Crew Photoshopped them out of promotional materials. To recap, so we're clear:
Paint-splattered pants = classy; tattoos= trashy.

J. Crew [Official Site]

Related: J. Crew Performs Tattoo Extraction On Roguish Model [Racked]

Earlier: Love Don't Cost A Thing: Valentine's Day At Dean & Deluca
Anthropologie: When You Long To Be A French Gamine
January At J. Crew: Sequin Shorts, Shitty Shoes & Other Insanities
Post-Holiday Bloat? Tough: It's Swimsuit Season At Victoria's Secret

All previous catalog posts