Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where the stars have been busy! Angelina's plotting a vodka/pill suicide and simultaneously seducing the Depp; Taylor Swift is hooking up with John Mayer, and Reese Witherspoon's sleeping with Gerard Butler. Exhausting!
"I Still Love Jen — But I Can't Leave The Kids!" Basically the entire story is on the cover. The mag did an interview with Ian Halperin, who wrote the unauthorized book Brangelina: The Untold Story. He's "confirmed" with "sources" that Angie and Brad have split but will do that Madonna/Guy Ritchie thing where they don't talk about it. Months from now, they'll announce that they have broken up. A source says that Brad has been telling his friends, "I'm still in love with Jen." Once, he was having a fight with Angie, and she punched him in the arm and asked, "You're still in love with Jen, aren't you?" Allegedly Shiloh covers her ears and tells them to stop fighting. As you may know, Brad recently had his beard trimmed. Dr. Gilda Carle, a shrink who does not treat Brad, says: "A beard very often signifies hiding from whatever is around you — all the people and all the problems. Trimming it suggests that he's willing to be clearer and more honest about everything that's going on in their relationship. It sends a message without confrontation." Pay attention, Santa Claus! The only other item of interest in this issue is the news that Katie Holmes has taken Suri to see Mary Poppins on Broadway twice. A source says: "Mary Poppins had Suri entranced. She was already interested in acting, because of her parents, but watching the play has made her even more determined to pursue it." Suri is three! At that age you may be determined to be an actress, but you are also determined to eat Play-Doh.
Grade: F (being ripped limb from limb by a great white shark)
"Bachelor Dirty Secrets." Gross. All we had to do was turn to page 77 and see a picture of a woman wearing nothing but bikini bottoms, a Burberry scarf and Uggs to know that this story is an icky waste of time (see image 7). Moving on: Lindsay Lohan has been in discussions about starting something like The View, but geared towards teens and twenty-something women. "She thinks she can relate to young girls," says a source. When asked to comment, Lindsay told Us the TV show rumor was "not true." If you're wondering what to play for that special someone on Valentine's Day, be sure and check page 63 for Pauly D's Love Mix, which includes the tender and romantic tune "Sexy Bitch." (You know, the one that goes, "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful"?) Lastly, "Its A Situation! Can You Match The Stomach To Its Star?" is an abs quiz (see image 8).
Grade: F (getting attacked and rolled underwater by a crocodile)