Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

One criticism leveled against Valentino designers Maria Grazia Chiuri and Pier Paolo Piccioli is that they're too deferential to the aesthetic of the house's ex-designer, and therefore are boring. Well. The good news is they no longer have that problem.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

The bad news is, most of the collection they showed earlier today in Paris looks as if it belongs on a freaky-deaky Palm Beach hooker.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

Or in Nicolas Ghesquière's reject pile.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

In the quest for something more "youthful," something a little better than the "evening jacket with jeweled button" Cathy Horyn rightfully derides, are umpteen-squillion-dollar chiffon onesies really necessary? Especially the pastel-colored kind, with ruching for an advanced camel toe effect.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

The event horizon of the studs-on-everything trend has to be fast approaching.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

Several of the other looks were simple patchwork minidresses that looked generally like bad Rodarte.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

While the random padding and pleating on this deconstructed puffer jacket recalls bad Rei Kawakubo.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

One thing the world definitely does not need: Ruffled red leather minidresses.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

I once did a really preposterous job with this model, whose name is Nastya, in Australia in 2008. We were body-painted like skeletons and had to run around sand dunes like zombies in the freezing cold night, and then afterwards, this really annoying male model said, "Gentlemen first!" and took a shower so long there was barely any hot water left for her and I. Nastya was witty and very smart and unfortunately leaving for home the very next day. Then, six months later, she came to New York, booked Rodarte and a bazillion other shows, and, well, I didn't. I labor under zero illusions that her job is easier/more glamorous than mine.

As much as I get a kick out of seeing her on the runway, even her presence is not quite enough to give me a positive impression of this romper, which still looks like a garbage bag.

Valentino's Fugly Patchwork Technicolor Mess

This would be fine as a dressing gown for ladies who lounge, but then perhaps I'm merely positively inclined towards it because it's the only half-decent look in this tasteless grab-bag of a collection. Pier Paolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri are accessories designers by training and experience. Perhaps they should have stuck to handbags.