Brangelina's Heart May Go On, Andy Dick's Roaming Hands May NotS

  • The Jersey Shore cast aren't coming back unless MTV shows them the money. [TMZ]
  • Kristen Stewart doesn't care that you're going to see her next movie to watch her strip on camera, because it's really about the alienation of the character and her lack of agency. That's what the director told her right before he had her hop up on the pole. [E!]
  • Tina Fey quashed rumors last night that she's the secret third Oscars host. Alec Baldwin totally wants her... to host, of course. [E!]
  • David Bowie's iPod list proves that he is still way cooler than you. [The Guardian]
  • Charlie Sheen's publicists breathlessly gave him credit in People for being a model husband after he — ZOMG CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? — skipped the Screen Actors Guild awards to be at the bed of the wife he beat the shit out of over Christmas as she recovered from sepsis and pneumonia after surgery to removed an impacted wisdom tooth. Give the wife-beater a motherfucking medal. [People]
  • Mariska Hargitay says Mischa Barton made a touching sex worker on Law & Order SVU and totally didn't fuck up the 8 lines. In a related story, Mariska Hargitay is a very kind and generous person. [Access Hollywood]
  • Lenny Kravitz: single, a supportive dad, a huge Gabby Sidibe fan, and no longer trying to be hipper-than-thou. It's about time. [Daily Express]
  • Speaking of Sidibe, she's going to star in Showtime series about cancer with Laura Linney, who is profiled in the Times today. [NY Times]
  • Bodyguards are the new overpriced designed boho bags for stars. [Telegraph, TMZ]
  • The French gave the Black Eyed Peas an award for their music, but took it back once they actually listened to them. [BBC]
  • Spencer Pratt did something in the year 2000 that got him an item on TMZ today. He scanned the magazine photos for TMZ and everything, and TMZ managed not to say they were pictures of JFK with naked women. [TMZ]
  • Axl Rose is still being a dickhead about Slash and, school-principal style, instructed security to keep out fans wearing Slash T-shirts. [TMZ]
  • Jon Gosselin, Bill Murray and Bob Saget all acted like tools in Utah. See, Bill and Bob, what happens when you act like tools? You get mentioned in a gossip item with Jon Fucking Gosselin. [Radar]
  • The younger man that Susan Sarandon swears she isn't boinking is finalizing his divorce after 5 years. [NY Daily News]
  • Some guy you never heard of who does sports things took pictures of his penis and showed them to his co-workers in 2006, and finally admitted it. You know, because every dude thinks his penis is a special, magical gift to the world or something. [Page Six]
  • Andy Dick, facing charges for grabbing dudes' junk in a West Virginia bar, swears we don't know the whole story. Anyone who doesn't know enough to avoid being less than an arm's length from Andy Dick obviously hasn't seen anything he's ever done. [TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, TMZ]
  • Friday night's Haiti telethon — not including corporate donations or iTunes sales — raised $57 million. "Stranded (Haiti Mon Amour" by Jay-Z, Rihanna, Bono and The Edge is currently the number 1 single on iTunes, as you'd expect, so there's likely plenty more money coming. [AP]