Yahoo's Shine decided to publish a humor column about the sad realities of working from home. The writers promise "hysterical yet truthful tips to help you stay sane," but their "truths" are generic warnings against getting fat.
Number one is the doozy:
For the love of God and everything we hold dear in this world, do not, I repeat, do not buy sweat pants for comfort while working. You can be just as brilliant in your own damn trousers! I fell under the spell of "well, they are kind of cool black sweats and I did not buy them at Wal-Mart and I could even go walking with them on" line of crap. I don't care if Giorgio Armani designed sweats for his couture line. Do not wear them at home while working. They do have their place – putting laundry in, cleaning out a litter box or 5 but if you sit in front of your computer for 8 to 12 hours a day, you will have develop a HUGE butt and don't get me started on the land where small waistlines go. You need to feel the cold, hard metal of a zipper against your flesh each day of your life.
All the joy of working at home is not having to get dressed. I like yoga pants while working. In fact, people should be happy I'm wearing pants at all.
The rest of the tips are in the same vein.
They Say: "Tell people that you are working from home and suddenly you become the perfect candidate to wait for the cable guy [...] Don't pick up the phone until you see who is calling."
I say: The first rule of working at home is, you do not talk about working at home.
The second rule of working at home is, you DO NOT talk about working at home.
They Say: "Regardless of the weather, open the front door, crack open a window and escape. Don't put it off until later in the day because you know damn well you won't do it."
I say: Didn't you read the internet? The zombie apocalypse could break any day now - spending long periods in the house with nothing but canned goods is strategic preparation.
They Say: "You can wash dishes, empty garbage cans, shred documents, and take bathroom breaks while you're on the phone getting your next assignment from those who think working at home = free time."
I say: If you have ever tried to use the bathroom while talking to your boss, you know that this rarely ends well. Either you fuck up the timing on the mute or they ask you a question mid-stream. Partial solution: flush later. And figure out if this is a loud pee, a quiet pee, or something you shouldn't be on the phone for.
They Say: " Cleanliness is next to impossible if you don't bathe."
I say: If I have stinky armpits from working on crazy deadlines for twelve hours straight, other apartment dwellers will have to deal. And why are they so close to me before I shower anyway?