There was something in the water in California last night, forcing otherwise well-dressed people to deck themselves in shockingly horrible getups. Maybe all of Hollywood lost a bet. All I know is, my jaw is permanently anchored to the floor.

Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

It actually looks like Christina Hendricks went to Christian Siriano (yes) with a Peaches 'n Cream Barbie circa 1985, asked him to copy it directly, and he was like, fierce.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

And Nicole Kidman went to Nina Ricci and was like, "yeah, like she said, except with a dash of David's Bridal and just a touch of five-year-old-playing-dress-up at the Salvation Army, except, please also get all your materials at a crafts superstore."


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

And Christina Aguilera thought, hmm, maybe if we went a little more fembot? And obviously, Versace had already made it, so that worked out.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

And this, in turn, inspired Elisabetta Canalis, who also wished to incorporate her interest in basket-weaving.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Shaun Robinson is also a fan of the weaving arts.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

One of the most horrifying things about this red carpet was the fact that even usually impeccable dressers seemed to have gone temporarily mad. Yes, I may apply a higher standard to Marion Cotillard, but really? I wouldn't have thought that she + Dior could have looked so...cheesy.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

And when Halle's courting tack (is that a word? Not horse accessories) you know you've got a problem.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Et tu, Penelope? This busy Giorgio Armani Prive is neither interesting nor lovely.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

And I get wanting to show Lacroix love in these troubled times, but Diane Kruger's tulle situation looks organic - in the bad way.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Speaking of sloppy fuschia! The generally faultless Zoe Saldana is gone with the raggle-taggle gypsies, oh. (Or Louis Vuitton.)


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

January Jones' Lanvin looks weirdly messy and ill-fitting, yes?


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Drew Barrymore at Atelier Versace: yeah, that's beautiful, but what if we added some tumor-like crystal growths at random intervals?


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

For some reason, Elisabeth Moss's frumpy Grecian and questionable hairdo choice distressed me more than any other red carpet disappointment.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Yes, even more than Helen Mirren's Reagan-era special.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Or Julianne Moore's Mrs. Roper-pulls-a-Scarlett-O'Hara Balenciaga!


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Man, I hate ragging on Tina Fey. And I think I can even see what she was going for with this Zac Posen - but, oh, the shoes, the shoes!


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

No qualms, however, about auf'ing Heidi Klum's 1989 wedding dress. (Roberto Cavalli)


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Speaking of bad fishtails: Vera Farmiga's is like a store wrapping station out of control.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

And speaking of retro weddings! Jennifer Meyer is suddenly everyone's mom, circa 1980.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

And, ooh! Ooh! Speaking of early-80s sundress styling: Jenna Fischer!


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

The ever-popular "Mattel Chic" look, as modeled by Leona Lewis.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Lauren Graham, meanwhile, does Madonna-as-Marilyn-as Barbie.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Fergie appears to have bought this dress at Cache, and that's all I have to say about that, except that yes I do know it's actually Elie Saab.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Lest you think the men redeemed things, think again: Quentin Tarantino looks like an aging mobster on a bad trip.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Youth in revolt: dudes like Cory Monteith seem to have mistaken "shiny tux" for "sophistication."


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Ditto Taylor Lautner.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Would just two inches more have killed Mimi? Or her Herve Leger by Max Azria?


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

I saw Vanessa Minillo's gaudy frock early in the evening, and thought it was pretty Vegas. But after seeing this parade of horrors, it now seems like the height of tasteful elegance.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Why, why, why does someone always feel the need to carry the Laura Ashley upholstery standard? And why did poor Rita Wilson draw that card?


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Speaking of unfortunate florals...and belts...and shoes: Nancy Shevell sports what a diplomatic friend of mine would call "a strong choice."


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Patricia Arquette marches to the beat of her own drum. The drum is actually a can covered in waxed paper and secured by a rubber band, made by her 5-year-old.


Golden Globes Fashion: When It's Bad, It's Really Bad

Jennifer Morrison's dress, among other things, may have been crafted from old pantyhose.


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