This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we forage for gossip in the tabloids' garbage. This week: Elin "eats her way through the pain," John Mayer hits on Taylor Swift, and the Jersey Shore kids film themselves "pounding it out."

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

OK!
"HOW I LOST 15 LBS"
Here's Kim Kardashian's "secret": she spends at least an hour a day at the gym, cuts back on sugar, and takes the weight-loss supplement QuickTrim, which she's been shilling for months. The bigger story here is that Kim gave OK! an exclusive. With its bi-weekly Kardashian covers, we were under the impression that the family had sold their souls to Life & Style (well, whatever portion doesn't already belong to E!). Moving on: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are on the rocks. Brit's parents keep fighting and Brit, who's back on Team Lynne, is upset because Jason defended Jamie. Jason is also jealous of Brit's bodyguard Edan Yemini. Or that's his job. A friend says he's "been with her for more than a year, accompanying her to every city and country. We think he's in love with her." Brit and Jason spent New Year's apart and she dyed her hair black. "Every time Brit has a crisis, her hair undergoes and extreme makeover," says the mag. Next: For New Year's Eve Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a romantic getaway on the Isle of Wight. Then they went back to London and Rob introduced Kristen to some of his friends from school. "Kristen almost feels like a British native now," says a source. Did John Mayer break up Taylor Squared? Probably not, but John Mayer asked Taylor Swift to sing on his single "Half of My Heart" and a "pal" says he has a crush on her. In a daring move, Swift rejected Mayer's advances, but Taylor Lautner is still "devastated." Finally, did you know that it's possible to not pouf Snooki's hair (image 7)? OK! gave Snooki yet another makeover and the editors seemed shocked by her Kardashian-esque hairstyle. Did they think she was born with a pouf-shaped head?
Grade: F (Gum stuck in your pouf.)

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

Us
"WHAT THEY'RE HIDING"
The subhead on this article is, "As Tiger Woods holes up on Long Island, wife Elin drinks and eats through her pain." Here's another clue in our ongoing national game of Where In The World Is Tiger Woods: Us claims he's been holed up in the Long Island mansion of Jim Dolan, the CEO of Cablevision and owner of Madison Square Garden and the New York Knicks. (For the record, Dolan's rep says this is "categorically false and preposterous on its face.") Meanwhile, during her vacation in France Elin Nordegren pushed food around her plate during meals with others, but then ordered cake and sweet bread late at night. A source reports, "She seemed to like eating on her own and in silence. She wasn't calorie-conscious." When she wasn't shamefully stuffing her face with pastries, Elin allowed Tiger to call their kids on speaker phone. An insider reports that later their daughter Sam drew "a house with what looked like fire all over it." Michael Fogel, director of the Child & Family Art Therapy Center in Philadelphia, who doesn't treat Sam and has never seen her artwork, says the drawing could be "an expression of unrest and intensity in the house." In other news, Charlie Sheen became incensed when Brooke Mueller took a temporary job as an Extra correspondent. "She wanted to have her own money, but he didn't like her working," says a source. "He wanted her to be around for him." (Charlie's rep denies this.) Finally, an insider reveals that Billy Corgan likes Jessica Simpson because, "She's a blonde with big boobs, but he also thinks she's a catch."
Grade: F (Ratty blonde extensions.)

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

Life & Style
"FIGHTS, SECRETS AND SCANDAL"
This is a total cover lie, unless you're shocked to learn that Snooki and Ronnie both taped themselves having sex long before they were on Jersey Shore. Ronnie destroyed the footage of himself and Snooki says "I don't want people to watch me doing that," though this may change her mind: according to Vivid Entertainment founder Steven Hirsch, "A sex tape starring Snooki could fetch between $1 million and $3 million." The guys deny recent reports that they use steroids and Snooki says when she declared her love for "juiceheads" she just meant "a guy with muscles." No one is actually getting married, the castmates just say they could see Ronnie and Sammi getting married and having little guidos and guidettes. "They'd be awesome parents," says Snooki. Next: Paris Hilton says she and Doug Reinhardt have "been together for a year now and never spend a night apart," adding, "I wouldn't rule out a wedding in 2010." Finally, in a work of breathtakingly crappy Photoshopping, Life & Style offers a sneak peek at what the stars will look like 10 years from now (image 8). Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will develop crows feet and deep laugh lines in their early 30s, Brad Pitt will transform into a goateed Bill Clinton, and Angelina Jolie will have the lower half of John Travolta's face grafted onto her own in some kind of Face/Off scenario.
Grade: F (Graying billy-goat beard.)

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

In Touch
"JEALOUS RAGE OVER JEN"
Angie was photographed having an animated phone conversation on the set of her film Salt, so of course In Touch had to make up a semi-plausible reason for her to be upset about Jennifer Aniston. This is all the editors could come up with: Angelina asked a staffer to eavesdrop on Brad's phone conversations and "From what was reported back to her, she became certain Brad was planning to go and meet Jen in Miami," says an insider. Angie "yelled at [Brad] over the phone, and then sent him nasty text messages all day." Angie found a gift wrapped book about Frank Gehry with no tag and assumed it was from Jen since she "knows his interests better than anyone." It was actually from a business associate. The mag claims Brad canceled his Miami rendez-vous with Jen, which is why he was photographed having fun with his family in New York over the holidays. (Angie forced him to put on a happy face while hanging out with her and their adorable kids, of course.) Moving on: While Britney Spears was celebrating New Year's Eve with her mom, Jason Trawick was spotted at a L.A. hotel at 6 a.m. with another woman. An employee says the woman "came in and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind... he looked uncomfortable and shook her off." Next: It seems Michael Lohan provided In Touch with some more recently-recorded phone calls with Lindsay. In one call Lindsay screams at Michael that after a night of partying in 2006, "In Miami, Mommy threw me in the cab and I stopped breathing for 10 seconds." She was taken to the hospital and "They read me my last rites," but Michael "didn't even know that!" In another call Michael tries to convince Lindsay that she's straight and should leave Samantha Ronson. Lindsay cries, "I don't love men. I was sexually assaulted by two of them." Note to Michael: Having dad your dad share that with In Touch doesn't make men any more attractive. Last week, In Touch gave the Jersey Shore kids an A-list makeover and Life & Style gave the girls a makeunder. This week, Life & Style dressed the cast up to look like Gossip Girl extras (image 9). OK, we get it: They're capable of wearing clothes that cover their neon-leopard print thongs, they just choose not to. Finally, if your kid wants to reenact Seven or There's Something About Mary with her dolls, you're out of luck: Brad Pitt and Cameron Diaz don't look anything like their celebrity Barbies (image 10).
Grade: D- (Realizing Barbie's hair doesn't grow back.)

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

Star
"Inside Hollywood's Most TWISTED MARRIAGE"
If you'd like to indulge in some unfounded speculation about Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen's marriage, this mag's for you. Brooke told "friends" she wasn't losing weight fast enough for Charlie after the birth of their twins and she worried he'd leave her. Another source says "Charlie has a vicious temper when he drinks. Charlie likes to have rough sex. To him, it was a game, but Brooke would end up with bruises. Charlie would allegedly bring other women home and Brooke would get high and join him for a threesome. An insider says at least two A-listers were involved and there may be a sex tape. Charlie even installed cameras all over the house so he could watch Brooke at all times because he doesn't trust her. We feel the same way about Star! Blind Item: "Which bottle-blonde reality TV star has been nipping her dogs' meds? The pooches were prescribed antianxiety pills by a vet, but Mommy says they do wonders for her too." Here's another theory on why the Taylors broke up: Taylor Lautner rekindled his relationship with Selena Gomez after he sent her a "Happy Thanksgiving" text. As for Taylor Swift, "He liked all the attention they got, but apart from their name they don't have much in common," says a source. Next: Madonna gave some old clothes to her new BFF Jessica Seinfeld and Lourdes freaked out. "Lourdes told her mom that she has to get her permission before she hands anything to anyone else," says a source. Madge felt guilty so she let Lourdes pick any item she wanted from her closet. Star has decided that Meg Ryan is scary skinny. Doctors who have never treated Ryan estimate that she's 20 pounds underweight. "Even her hair looked thin and stringy," says someone who saw her on the beach. The mag explains, "Her frail frame is the result of many factors: her stalled career, troubled love life, fear of aging, obsessive eating, and not eating enough." Were you aware that Pharell Williams is "actually growing a second skin to cover his tattoos?" Scientists took a sample and replicated it in a lab. He explains, "Once that's been done, they sew it on — and it's seamless." Next: The only reason Brad Pitt's brother Doug visited him in New York over the holidays was to stage an intervention to get him to leave Angie. Over some beers at Dave & Busters, "Brad and Doug had a heart-to-heart... Brad complained about how difficult Angelina can be. Doug said the family would support whatever Brad decides, but if the relationship continues like this, he should leave her." Finally, Jenni "J-WOWW" Farley of Jersey Shore was chubby as a kid. "She wasn't obese, but she was definitely heavy. She usually wore baggy clothes, like loose jeans and huge sweatshirts to cover it up," says a former friend. Jenni admitted that she had stretch-mark lasering and scar and cellulite removal procedures done by a cosmetic surgeon on her website, but Star's editors demand to know why, "there's no mention of her previous breast enhancement." Snooki has announced that she loves J-WOWW's fake boobs on Jersey Shore, so it's not like she's trying to keep it a secret.
Grade: D (Even your hair is "scary skinny.")

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS

This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer Breaks Up The Taylors & Jersey Shore Films A Sex TapeS