Chimney Sweep-Scorning Ex-Madonna Trainer Will Pump You Up!

What better way to kick it into gear in 2010 than with disgraced, GOOP-approved and former trainer-to-Madonna Tracy Anderson:

In a much-reported split, earlier this year Anderson, credited with Madonna's signature musculature, got the high-profile boot from her Madgesty amid reports of "personal baggage." But Anderson, who in '06 was sued for allegedly stiffing a chimney sweep, has gone ahead and opened a schmancy gym with Gwyneth, and now is here to share the love. While her methods will, obviously, whip you into shape (as will indeed any sustained exercise) her tips are pretty standard-issue. A few:

Don't be vague! "Instead of thinking, 'I want to get in shape,' you should say, 'I want to lose 10 percent of my body fat.'" We disagree: the first phrase is shorter. And by saying "shape," you allow for fun possibilities like "starfish," "gingerbread man," or "topiary."

Instead of making resolutions, such as, "I want to look like Gwyneth Paltrow by the end of the month," Anderson suggested goals to experience success in "little bits."

But, if we didn't want to look like Gwyneth Paltrow...why else would we be consulting her trainer? And embracing the inner aspect?

Here's one tip we get behind: like God, "schedule in a day off. This gives you something to look forward to. Work out six days — take seventh day off. 'You need a day to celebrate,' Anderson said."

Much like the GOOP lifestyle, this is, one supposes, aspirational. And like the GOOP lifestyle, Anderson's level of fitness is not something to which most of us on the street actually aspire. Taking fitness tips from someone who's trained Madonna is like consulting Escoffier when you just want to boil an egg: while her exercises are probably great, she's not making the prospect of new year fitness any less intimidating. But maybe that's the point?


How to Really Get Fit In 2010
[CBS]
Madge Tosses Trainer Tracy [Page Six]
Healthy Living With Gwyneth Paltrow [O]