Mailbox Hall Of Shame: Readers Sound Off About Jesus, Tiger, & "Whitney Huston"

Undaunted by previous roundups of ridiculous emails, readers continue requesting services we don't provide, confusingly haranguing us, and encouraging us to "be fool!" A sampling of our recent favorites, after the jump:

Frequently, e-mailers seemed confused about what it is we do here at Jezebel. One guy chose the oddly self-referential subject line, "nice to send e-mail to you," and inquired whether we were "in pet business." Then there was this good Samaritan:

hello my friend, Jesus can help you leave this life of sin.
pornography makes you a slave and only Jesus in his love can help you find your freedom, because as I give your life to Jesus

And, on the other side of the issue:

Hi there

Are you looking for sexy PRETTY WOMEN, MEN AND COUPLES certainly read more.

Are you looking for a one night stand, sex relationship or a serious relationship.

I found a nice and interesting site.

This is the most complete site for swingers in the Netherlands,Belgium and world wide it is a site like tagged.com but
erotic content is

allowed

I has extented profiles, upload unlimited fotos to you own own profile pages, blogs, guestbook the most extensive photo album of famous

Prophecies are also popular. In what may be the longest e-mail I have ever received, a reader lets us know that Jesus is on the way, and He's looking for action:

My Blessed Child, I am your Father Yaweh, yea Jehovah, Most High God! My Blessed Child, just as surely as the wind blows, and just as surely as the sun rises in the East, My promise is ever so true, that I am coming for My Bride!

The above is only a tiny sampling of a much longer piece, which also included a discussion of Morgellon's syndrome and "hidden mind control doors." Others chose to express their predictions for the future more succinctly:

FIXING TO BE ONE BAD ONE. COMMING SOON . WON'T BE IN NO THEATER.

Of course, sometimes emailers are angry, like this one:

Look At Whitney Huston- pathetic example ,she's a wash .Now, not even you thinks she 's worth writing about any more. So save me your concerns. There are many American women out there like Rhianna but very few are like tiger's Swedish wife. She did not play victim,she kicked his behind and is now 300-500 million richer for it! As for tiger, you want us to pity this fool?? He was humping different women unprotected then coming back home smelling like martinis and 2 hour ago sex. Are you guys for real writing such an article?? You need to check out these restaurants that are supporting prostitution in the their establishments . 1500$ a night tiger spent, by himself? Come on!!! The Swede can teach you victimized American women a lot . A WHOLE LOT! You're clueless!!

Yes, we should all model ourselves after "the Swede." But if we can't, there are some who love us just the way we are:

Hey guys, gals, ladies, writers of Jezebel,

I write because I love your on-line publication.
Please keep up the good words.
I admire the wit and intelligence that informs your essays and comments.
Equally, I love to read the spirited writing always present in the same.
I am a subscriber, and a big fan of Dodai, and "commentor"/"commentator" [redacted].

(At this point you've either dismissed me as a "stalker", or as a misinformed, adolescent applicant to what I must have mistakenly thought was The Beatles Fan website.)
(Have a favorite Beatle ? ........)
(And I invited [commenter redacted] to include an "all-consumming but disasterous affair with a middle-aged man" into her list of things she wanted to do in the next two years before withdrawing to a tropical island to write a book — and I recommended myself as a worthy candidate ....., to which she responded with a restraining-order....)

In fact, I am a 51 year old male, firmly entrenched in his own mediocrity, but who is also occasionally cable of remarkable things — when inspired.

Sometimes an emailer's intentions are clear, as in this message:

HI SADIE, ARE YOU A REAL AUTHER? I NEED TO WRITE A BOOK , I NEED A WRITER TO HELP ME. IF YOUR INTERESTED E-MAIL ME & WE WILL DISCUESS IT.

Sadie is now proud to be working on a book with a real live LOLCat. But perhaps the most awe-inspiring of reader e-mails are those for which there is absolutely no discernible purpose. Below, I give you two mysterious missives that showed up in our inboxes this morning:

you Really Like hard worker. /
upturn directive. katie.
So. Revenge.

huu... study sex.
how to live.

shallow history of america.

nothing. american phychology disdain backward country. human dieing-
whats advance?

long time ago in japan already finished dismiss.

so american people now discuss sex feminist gay.

natural usual .better leave it unside.
American Philosophy Confuse World.

old fashion.

Same 2500 Years ago in Roman. Italy.
Freedom woman?
more not Living Well woman.
Runaway for Freedom ()
isaid you must read by Ehrlich From

only love human
you must tender by people.

storng is snap.

flexible. loss is win.soft is storong.
hardpower not continue.

softpower. is DAISAKU IKEDA 1989 in HARBARD speach.

And, shorter but no less poignant:

Childhood and now earnest lack play

me same.
super
sirious Fooleries

hahahaha—da. not relevsant!

thats real relateing.

be fool!