Things You Should Know About Being A Woman This Winter

It's that time of month again, when magazines pretend like it's already next month! Or, in this case: Next year. The January 2010 ladymags are already cluttering up the Internet. The same six actresses have swapped covers amongst themselves again.

Things You Should Know About Being A Woman This Winter

Natalie Portman on Marie Claire

Representative Quote:

She got to spend three months in France when she was 11, shooting The Professional, and on her days off her mother would take her to Monet's house in Giverny and encourage her to come home and paint a version of what she'd seen. When she traveled to Japan for the premiere of The Professional, her parents insisted on a week off to explore the country. Portman shrugs: "OK, so I didn't really go to high school parties," she says, "and yeah, I didn't touch pot till I was in my 20s. I didn't get flat-out drunk until I went to college. But I think that's a good thing in many ways."

Most Immediately Annoying Cover Line:

"Diet Or Exercise: Which Sheds The Pounds Faster?"

Largest Number On The Cover, And What It Refers To:

275. Which is either the number of brain cells you will shed reading "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT BONKING THE BOSS?", or the number of Fabulous Finds To Start The New Year you, mere female, will need to get him in a bonking mood.

Things You Should Know About Being A Woman This Winter

Britney Spears on Elle

Elle's Lady Gaga cover might be getting all the attention — but the January issue is actually hitting newsstands with a second cover, featuring Spears and her sons. Golf claps for Britney, everyone! Last time she tried to do an Elle shoot, something terrible happened.

Representative Quote:

Elle's Spears profile is not yet online, so let's nab another quote from Marie Claire.

A little-known fact about Portman is that for her very first acting job — as an off-Broadway understudy — she replaced Britney Spears. Needless to say, their paths have diverged wildly since then

Most Immediately Annoying Cover Line:

"DO YOU EXERCISE TO EAT? HERE'S A BETTER WAY."

Largest Number On The Cover, And What It Refers To:

175. The speed, in miles per hour, which this magazine might reach if you dropped it off a very tall building. Which would be more educational than reading about the BEST NEW SHOES, JACKETS, AND BAGS.

Things You Should Know About Being A Woman This Winter

Lady Gaga on Elle

Representative Quote:

"I get all the symptoms of a pregnant woman. I get headaches, I get tired, I get blurred vision sometimes during a really intense session with [her creative team] the Haus."

WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT THIS WOMAN IS JUST PREGNANT WITH CREATIVITY?!

Most Immediately Annoying Cover Line:

See above.

Largest Number On The Cover, And What It Refers To:

See above.

Things You Should Know About Being A Woman This Winter

Sarah Jessica Parker on Glamour

Representative Quote:

SJP: I still will not wear turtlenecks.

GLAMOUR: Why not?

SJP: I feel like I'm having a panic attack in them. I'm so short that the little bit of height I have is taken and consumed by the turtleneck. My son won't wear them, either!

Most Immediately Annoying Cover Line:

"SO TRUE! Why The Happiest Women Aren't Perfect."

Largest Number On The Cover, And What It Refers To:

50. Could that be the number of Your Most Private Questions that you could Answer, right now, by reading Wikipedia.

Things You Should Know About Being A Woman This Winter

Scarlett Johanson on UK Harper's Bazaar

Representative Quote:

This comes from the mouth of Bono, who is interviewed alongside Johanson, because she wears (PRODUCT) RED clothing in the accompanying fashion shoot:

"I don't give a shit how things look anymore. I just want to get the results, get the cheque signed. If it takes me looking like a totally unhip white messiah, I don't care. You do whatever it takes to get people what they need to survive. For me, it was coming home that was the hardest. Coming back to my privileged life. I used to find that really difficult. It's hard when you find yourself in such a harsh juxtaposition with somebody who's fighting for their life. It used to make me feel more awkward than it does now, being this rich rock star next to a starving African."

Most Immediately Annoying Cover Line:

Strangely, none. (The standard beauty and fashion stories look exceptionally inoffensive, or unexceptionally offensive.) Although as hard as it is to take a half dozen pages of Johanson nursing a bad case of sexyface in leopard print clothing, it's pretty odd that the cover implies she and Bono would bond over a serious consideration of music.

Largest Number On The Cover, And What It Refers To:

2010, which is the year you might finally itemize your charitable donations for tax purposes, and briefly consider writing off the cost of Johanson's Tom Waits album. Since listening to it was clearly an act of charity on your part.

Things You Should Know About Being A Woman This Winter

Kate Hudson on US Harper's Bazaar

Representative Quote:

"With a hot new movie and major-league man, Kate Hudson seems anything but normal. But the bubbly blonde is just like the rest of us (with fancier clothes, of course)."

Major League! Get it? Get it? No, she really doesn't say anything about A-Rod:

Isn't she moving fast? "People don't know where I'm moving," she counters good-naturedly. "They're just reading psychobabble in these [tabloid] magazines." Even when confronted with the evidence — a picture of her kissing A-Rod — she gamely holds her ground. "There's a guy that's shooting probably 60 frames a minute. That was a sideswipe on the cheek. That wasn't even a kiss." So she's not in love with this guy? "I quickly kissed the cheek," she maintains. "And I remember one of the headlines the next day said, MAKEOUT SESSION. What is wrong with people?

Hahaha, she didn't actually specify "tabloid" magazines.

Most Immediately Annoying Cover Line:

Harper's Bazaar on this side of the pond is totally deficient in this category, too. "Get Gorgeous Hair" — much as our credulity doesn't stretch to believing such a thing could ever result from the use of ridiculously priced products — just doesn't raise my hackles.

Largest Number On The Cover, And What It Refers To:

562. Either New Ideas to Update Your Look (again!), or Things You Might Make If You Treated This Issue Like An Origami Project.